Time flies when Cortez offers to make you a beautiful gown...

I will start with last weekend. There are pictures that represent the tomfoolery of this event, but you will have to visit Sam for that, as I am still waiting for my pictures(at this point you will have to go through the March Archives). (SAM!) Here is the thing. When Sam is in town, we often go to the same places, do the same things, and end up having a completely original and hilarious time. this last weekend (now two weeks ago- I am horrible about keeping up the blog) (now three weeks ago- I am even worse than I thought)was not any different, and for this, I loved every minute. For Sam's perspective on the event, just click his little name above and you can get the full scoop- my perspective is a little different. Thursday night Tanner and Sam and I had a pretty low key night which consisted of drinking quite a few drinks, programming tanner's i-pod, trying to locate "new venues" for our night out, and did I mention drinking? I think the best part of this is that when you have a friend that lives accross the country.



I'll keep going here- so your friend lives in NYC and they come back and though you can picture their great life in another place, it doesn't seem to conflict with how you know them here. I like that. We spent hours talking and listening to music and revealing life and love and struggles and triumphs... no this is not lifetime for women here- it was a great time. we also had our caddy moments where we blurted ridiculous accusations about people we barely know for the sake of makig us feel a bit better. More of that to come. We try to go someplace new- to watch people sing Karaoke- because I think this is the greatest thing. Especially if people are really horrible. I really like people that sing well too- I don't know where the fascination comes from, but I like the confidence that one has to get up in front of a group and sing by themselves for nothing other than wanting other people to hear them sing. it is a socially accepted arrogance and i love it! I have sang a time or too myself and i will have so say that... (insert title of blog).

I have been working on this entry for a week now and thing it is time to finish it up with the purpose of it all.



Friday night we claim that we are going to take it easy but it is a joke before it is even said. I put the pretties on and put on my hollywood wig (not really- but I was sporting a rather trendy 'do)and the stillettos and we are off. By the time we leave the house, most of us are legally poisoned. Mansoor is our designated driver, though for some reason we drove three cars there and only one back. weird. So we arrive at the Garden and as we walk in the huge black man smiles at me like I am the last twinkie in the box. ( I know that it is completely irrelevant that this man is black- but there is a pattern here if you read previous blogs.) I look behind me because he smiled like he knew me- and I didn't know him- so I go to the bathroom, and then come out and sit at the far end of the table from where he is playing pool. Role call: In the ensemble for the night is, Mansoor, Seth, Sam, Tanner, and Joe. and me- the token straight girl and the backbone of their community. We sit and talk for quite some time and there is a weird tension at the table because even though Sam won't say it TO Tanner, he realy isn't excited that Joe is here. Regardless, Joe and I hit it off, and I start on my path to self destruction via entertainer. I haven't enjoyed myself this much in a long time. It was incredible. All of the guys that I was with are extremely inteligent and talented- and all of us were ready to let loose a bit. Crazy man keeps staring at me and I avoid his glances because I think that he is looking at Mansoor- Mansoor is really pretty. So, everytime my "around the room glance" crosses him, he smiles, and then does this weird twitchy blink thing and then looks away. It looked like he thought he was going to take a drink of coke and it was milk- that kind of look- but not so disgusted. alas, he approaches the table and whispers something in Tanner's ear. Tanner points to Mansoor (I knew it!) and then to me (ugh) He walks away and I ask what was said. Tanner informs me that he said that I was really pretty and he wanted to know my name. So I play along, figuring that a little attention can't hurt a girl every now and then- and considering that I am in a gay bar, with pretty men and scary women (its just how it works) I feel good that I have beat the "sexual preference" odds. So I throw him a smile, yet try to avoid any sort of actual conversation. He comes towards the table and I go to get a drink. I turn around and he is straight up in my face. " You are the most beautiful girl in this bar." wow- thanks. there are approximately ten of us, and two of them I had already secretly referred to as "dykes of the dead" (super dark circles under their eyes- lots of flannel..) flattery was not the first thing to spring forth from this conversation... BUT IT GETS EVEN BETTER (drum roll) "I am not into skinny girls, I think you are perfect. I like big girls." Awesome. So now I feel super fucking beautiful. I know I am big and all- but ya don't have to let me know that you only do fat chicks- not awesome for the self esteem. I proceed to get my drink and he asks me if I have a boyfriend. I reply," Not really." I like this response because it gives me an out. If he turns out to be super cool (wasn't going to happen) then I could clarify that it actualkly means no, but in this circumstance I can use it as,"it doesn't matter, cause ya ain't gettin' in the honey pot." So I get a beer and he writes down his number. He had introduced himself as Jamal, but the number had Cortez written on it... hmmm. So I ask- what does this say... here is the deal maker... he answers his phone and puts his hand up to my face so that I will stop talking- and then walks away. super charming- when can he meet my mother. so I take his number and throw it accross the table and notice that another guy playing pool noticed the entire event. "you are way too good for him" to which I reply,"really." (insert sarcasm with evident facial expression) So Cortez comes back over and I inform him that our conversation is over that he has absolutely no chance in hell. He explains to me that he makes suits for a living and that he could make me a beautiful gown. "Why would I need a beautiful gown?" For our first, date he explains. I give him the gentle let down filled with sensitvity. i say,"yeah, no. not going to happen." I decide to play pool and they guy who had declared that I was too good for the Cortez decides to play. He asks me if I am straight, bla blah blah. He gives me the text book story that he is straight but just out with friends tonight.... so as we are playing, this guy- who I had assumed had some sort of common sense, or manners, or any of that, takes his pool cue- sticks it in between my legs, and asks my for my number. I wish I was kidding- but I speak only the sad truth. I kindly reply that although he is charming and knows how to talk to a lady- that there will be know numbers exchanged. I usually like a guy to at least take me to dinner before shoving things between my legs. Mansoor offered to investigate to see how many kis Cortez has, if he was married, and although I appreciate the "wing man" stepping up, it just wasn't worth the amusement. where does this leave me?
wondering, i suppose, if this is a good as it is going to get. It can't possibly get worse. Why do I subject myself to this? WEll, first of all, it is hilarious. I wouldn't have "played along" as long if the boys had not been there with me. But I had a full table of cheerleaders who thought this entire debacle was as entertaining as it in fact, was. Truth be told- I have never entered a gay bar hoping to hook up or meet the straight man of my dreams. I go to have a great time with great friends and that is that. any additional supporting characters are pure chance and often great entertainment. Here is the truth- to all men out there. If you are going to try to get the honey, you have to be one unbelievable person. I have the best friends in the world so if you try- bring your best. and no- no gown offerings. seriously.

That is my overdue update.

I hope all is well.

My love to all- I will have a new guess what soon.

Congrats to Zach and Sam.