Those summer nights.......

I cannot believe that summer is coming to an end. The past two years the summers have passed with a slow mediocracy that has done my head in by the first week of August. This year, however, seems to be different. This year, friendships were made and the good times of the summer outweighed everything else. If you have been reading, I am sure that you will notice that my summer wasn't off to a very bright start. I owe this a bit to circumstances beyond my control, but also, I owe this to the assumption that I could ever posses and control over anything as unpredictable as my own life. I suppose I have developed expectations where when it came to it- I really wanted things to go my way. What I learned, I knew all this but seemed to have forgotten, was that life is so much more enjoyable when you let in all so and just let things roll off.

(andrew just popped in and I tit slapped him...because he deserved it thats why!)


One thing I will always have difficulty rolling off is my relationship and dynamic with my brother. I love this guy more than anything- but I also worry that he is doing alright all the time. Lately, I know that he is not alright. The last three weeks he has been avoiding me more than anything and spending time with anyone who I am not around. Worst thing- he won't talk about any of it with me... and then last night- a time when I am actually "away" and enjoying myself- he calls at 10pm and says that he is really pissed off but doesn't want to talk but really wants to talk to me as soon as possible but won't stay on the phone with me because he'll just end up ruining my night. guess what- already did. I don't think he has any idea how much he affects me. I know that he wanted to come with me last night- but I didn't want to wait and extra hour and I didn't want to have to be in Des Moines at 6am. It would completely defeat the purpose of trying to get away. and I knew that he has so much shit in his head that good company would not be his forte. He called this morning and snapped at me and so I decided to stay where I am at for another day to keep away from whatever it may be that he has for me. Know this- I will be there for anyone anytime- especially my brother... but I will not be the scapegoat or punching bag (figuratively) for anyone. I listen to you until you have nothing to say but don't alienate me, treat me like shit, and then expect me to drop everything and come and wait for you to show up. Thursday night I really wanted to hang out with just him. We started to make dinner together, he left to hang out with some camp peeps (fair enough) and didn't come back for three and a half hours.. awesome-great to spend time with you. Ughhhh... I really don't know. I guess the source of all this frustration comes from not being able to make things better and from feeling second, third, fourth best. I support my bro- absolutely.... but this drama thing is all new to me- its never been a factor...frankly- I could do without. I wonder if he has any idea that I can't sleep because I worry about him.


Last night recap.... Irish car bombs.... did me in. I had no idea that there is Jameson in those. ugh.

I was able to lower my iq with several variations of reality tv today- that was a fantastic change.


i am glad that summer is slowing down... but truth be told- it is all so bitter sweet.

also, I was right today when asked the definition of a word. and Andrew was wrong. just so everyone knows.

my best of best to yas!
c