I typed a rather reflective and somewhat poetic blog on Friday and to the credit of my clumsy fingers I deleted it. The strangest part of it was that I knew I couldn't get those words back... they were gone and I didn't know where . If they fall into the wrong hands.... misinterpreted.... all of these things...a bit like speaking before thinking.. not that I think that I should put alot of thought into my blogs... it is the release of thought that keeps them coming... so from now on it is likely that I will not proof my blogs... as they are essentially for me... and I do not think less of myself because I have had a 20 year struggle to correctly spell the word: necessary. Finally after all of these years... I think. I think it is interesting the word that I had the most trouble with... and it is also curious to me that someone very lose to me struggles with the word tomorrow.... it seems interesting as if these spellings have been overlooked for so long... when is it that you realize... or that you need to be able to spell it... it is the struggle with this word (or the meaning)that is actually the learning process, not the word itself?

For those of you who know me well, know my brother. He is a wonderful man who is making diffcult but necessary choices in his life... it was not until the past few years that I understood what love was really like. I know that I have been loved, and have loved many people... but it is one thing to feel these things and completely different understand them. I love my brother. Thick and thin... shitty times and top of the world days. he is there for me and right back at you... I am there for him. I am not sure you can truly know how to love someone until you have been challanged by the most difficult of times... it seems then that you understand the depth of loving people. It truly, and honestly gives me insight into loving people in the future. Is this what it feels like to have parents?? (that was an insensitive comment, I apologize. I will not delete it because it actually popped into my head.. and I feel this way. My mother- I love her but struggle to like her most days and my father passed away when I was nine because he put self destructive lifestyle before his family... not that one weekend a month qualified him as a father anyway).

To all: I will love you. No ifs ands or buts. It will take time. Bear with me.

So on to the highlight.. or one of the highlights of my weekend. I spent time this weekend with some friends that I don't see too often anymore.. we grew up in the same town and spent many of our younger days together. I had an excellent time with them. excellent. it reminds me that there is something completely great about knowing someone for such a long time.. and celebrating change and maturity. or lack there of. we played some pool, had some drinks, and I found myself once again admiring the company of one.. I am not sure how much detail I wil go into to... I want to be honest here but with that will come vunerability and I con't know if I have the energy right now. I am truly fond of both of the people that I spent went out with this weekend. One of them is going to teach in Prague and I hope that we will see each other often and keep in touch- he is hilarious and I have a great time each time his comapny is shared. the other, lives here in Des Moines and I would like him to call me right now. I think he is wonderful...and I have liked him for longer than he or I may ever know.. alright my phone is not ringing.... hmmm.

It is really strange because when leaving above said persons house on Saturday morning, I knew that I should get his phone number, because I would call him. But I gave him mine, almost so that I am not responsible.... euff, On the other hand.. I know how to get his number... so I might do that. If either of the above mention people read this... as you may have the opportunity to at some point... talk to me first.

Alright... more later- I just got a call and I am going to dinner with a friend that I have not spoken to in a few months... works both ways but perhaps I was a little selfish. more later.

I feel like Doogie Houser right now.