Back again.. I'm not sure if it is solitude of my Sunday evening that allows me to be free flowing with thoughts or the inspiration to get these out of my head and let them loose... or perhaps the hint of a one-sided psuedo conversation.

Here are some lyrics that have enlightened me tonight:

You called to say you wanted out
Well, I can't say I blame you now
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well.
Now you're gone and their wasted on me.

So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well.
Now its worn and wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're going to get.

---DBC 2003

Strangely enough I do not feel as if these lyrics are "saw at my wrist with a spork" type lyrics. They hold truth and as of a few weeks ago, I could relate to them. My scenario does not have the bitter connotation that this does but I truly appreciate the line that says " you've got to fold before you're found out". I know that I have been on the receiving and giving end of situations just like this. I have to get out before this person finds out that I am not who they think I am... not that I haven't been honest with the party involved, rather, perhaps they encountered me in a period of my life when things weren't what I knew they could be... or when I wasn't what I knew I could be.. and am. So pretty much I wasn't honest with myself which allowed for me to not recognize the dishonesty that I was representing. it makes sense to me.

So many thoughts right now... but there is still a hesitancy that lies beneath each entry... perhaps when the realization hits that I am the only one who really reads this... or that the people who share my thoughts do so out of curiousity for knowing and not otherwise, then I will truly free myself... perhaps I am afraid of what I will see. In addition, I stand true that I strive to write this for me.. not for the reader...though the reader is in mind...

My mind is tumultuous right now over things that are beyond my control. Patience is resting near me and I want to hold on to it... but other things tell me to hold on to what I know is real, and true. but if I did not exist without hope, then I may not exist at all, it has, in fact, brought me to where I am.

I should go now- not that I don't have loads to write about, rather I have an 8:00 meeting that requires brain power... and this meeting in particular is going to require some balls on my part. and... truthfully.. the unknown is getting the best of me, not getting me down by any means, just getting to me. more later.

cheers. thanks for reading this, to all who do- it means that you hold some value to what is going on in my place, and I thank you for taking the time.... either that or you are bored at work and trying to "look busy" either way- I support that.

fin.