(disclaimer: I am sick today.. as in slept and watched daytime television until the realization passed my groggy head that I am glad that I go to work every day... ... my throat feels like a desert with puddles, my head an empty warehouse with a floor that needs to be mopped... I am hoping that all of this magically disappears by tomorrow as I have a significant luncheon where I have to host a table...and there is a woman coming from D.C. to speak about "Women's Initiative for Children"... I need to be on my toes and at this time I feel the best response I could offer to anything is,"huh?")

On to... Tuesday RANT.
This one thrives on character flaws... and yours truly as the inspiration. SUBJECT: Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Really? I thought spending time with people and knowing them makes the heart grow fonder... but I am the first to admit that often times my heart is the fondest of those that are not near me... why? Perhaps it is when someone is not near you... you still have the ability to make them what you like... and if you only see them here and there- your time together is rarely spent finding each others inadequecies... true enough. This is ridiculous. It is not to say that I do not feel as if my time should be spent forgetting those that move away or step off of screen for a few minutes... but the reality of it is... my head and my heart get all mixed up and I don't know how to feel. I often feel more regret than fondess... I used to live by the motto, "forget regret or life is yours to miss." Fair enough- BUT can I not help regret (not in an up all night- lose sleep over it type of thing.. rather reflective awareness) that I did not make the most of the time that I was with this person... can I not admit that perhaps I was too unavailable because I knew when this person.. or these people whould leave... and that dammit, it would hurt that much more. I imagine that it is pretty common knowledge that it is easier to be the one leaving than the one left- I know that for fact- I have be the party that leaves for many years... it is easier.. its new, exciting and I wish all of the best to my friends and family that are other places... ( I am very happy not to be leaving.. I am happy here)but it doesn't make my heart fonder, it makes me fucking lonely at times, it makes me sad, and it makes me feel a bit vunerable... sometimes. Does being away from my neices and nephews make my heart fonder? no... it makes me think about how I would like to see them every day and how I want them to know me and how I want to know them. Does being away from Mike make my heart grow fonder??(not that it could) no- it makes me wish that we lived in the same city and that I could see him every day if I wanted to. Sam in New York? miss him. Tim in New York? miss him. Chris in Iowa City? miss him. Alli? miss her. Erin, Travis, Wade, Ray, Mike??? miss,miss,miss, miss, miss. Luke? miss him terribly. John? yep.

I have the comfort of knowing that I will see all of these people again... and let this not come off as selfish as it sounds... the message here is that my heart grows fonder each time I talk to these people... each time I get the joy of their company.. or the luxury of traveling to see them. What I need to do- is stop waiting for the distance... make the most of the time that we have together so that when distance occurs... hey- great times were had.. and will continue.. I suppose it is my "emotional vacancy" that allows me to dismiss someone as soon as their departure is in sight... why? it just feels like someone punches me in the heart each time a friend leaves.

was that a rant? I'm not sure.. but it is out now and I feel better about it. I just need to take time and really appreciate people... the rest of the world can wait-