Sunday Soul Food

As a part of growing my social and cultural existance I have dedicated Sundays, not to Jesus, but to my true savior: Barnes and Noble, or Borders, whichever I feel like. My friend Kelli and I have decided that Sundays are for going to the book store to fill our minds and souls with books and tidbits that will make us smarter, more confident, successful women. Yeah- yesterday didn't work. I gather a few books- and because we were glued to the self-help section, which I am continually skeptical of, I decide to give it a chance and get a few books on topics that I feel I can improve on. One is how to attract the successful man of your dreams, one was about changing the "mold" of your life, and the other was something about being obsessed with diets... I didn't get to that one (my cupcake was in the way). So I spent most of my time giggling at this book that was written by three men, all professional, attractive and successful and essentially looking for Mrs. Right. They listed many pointers for women, and made it pretty clear what works and what doesn't. Here is what I learned:

* Chugging beer and doing shots is not attractive. damn.(this categorizes a "live wire" that translates into: embarassment!)
* Guys are super insecure and any time they act like assholes it is because they are insecure. awesome.
* Playing hard to get is too much of a challange, don't waste your time...
* Givin up the lovin on the first night equals NO relationship. (sweet- that is why things have worked so well for me in the past- give them a little suga and no wasted time on FEELINGS)
* Guys do not posess the verbal and emotional capacity to express/communicate/identify emotions and/or feelings. Obvisously these men writing the book were not gay, because I have a few friends that could give SUSAN LUCCI a run for her Emmy.
* Nobody likes a cock-blocker. (this was actually quite eloquently spelled out in the book, and referred to as a policewoman, but I put into laymen's terms for all of you)

So basically, I don't stand a chance. I can drink a case of Coors light in one sitting and like having sex with people I just met. However, the rest of the important stuff I passed with flying colors.


After the bookstore it was off to put our new found confidence to the test- we went to a local pub around 5:00 and had a few beers. A super creep sat next to me and immediately I was SO uncomfortable. Rather than torture you with the entire scenario, let me highlight a few of my top picks.

Things the 40 year old creep said to me: (these are listed in chronological order)

* I like your earrings, they're beautiful.
* You are so pretty.
* It's okay for you to look me in the eyes, do I make you nervous.
* Let me buy you a beer. (I obliged only so Kelli and I could get a free beer.)
* Would you like to dance? (no)
* If I buy you ten more beers, will you dance with me? (no...well.... NO)
* I am sorry if that was rude. (after he grabbed my hand and rubbed it....ewwww)
* You know I am hitting on you right?

So I get to the point where I have to be blatantly dishonest and tell him that I have a boyfriend and not interested in any of his advances. He leans past me to Kelli and says,
" Kelli, is it alright if I finish my beer and sit here and hit on Claire?" You can imagine how all of that went. We left and went to another bar where I was asked to play pool by Fernando (no joke) from Ecuador, and then later asked for my number, luckily, Kelli was super intoxicated and that was our cue to leave.

So- here it is. You would think that an evening such as this would flatter someone... but it was actually extrememly depressing. The only guys that hit on me in this damn city are drunk old men or foreign dudes. ugh. Perhaps I am reading the wrong books... or going to the wrong bars... hmmm. Or maybe I should stop wearing my t-shirt that says: I HEART CREEPS

Alright- here is your update for now- I know it has been near a month and my apologies- I have been getting myself back on track. Still going to the gym, still eating like a bird, all that dieting shite.

Take care all, I miss some of you.

C