Here is some chocolate for my friend Sam, some release for me, and perhpaps some definition for my dearest Alli.

For all who read, for you to know, as I had received many inquistions as to who this person or that person is or what there validation is... I don't always explain, I don't always know- and I write this for me, and you (as I have discovered), but some explanations I trust few with, so email me if you have specific questions, or just read between.

I am not trying to be elusive by any means, but there is an element of vunerability of that which I choose to share (it clears my head) so I remain yours faithfully, guarded. (in text, not in person, I'll dish it all out in person...holla.)

Let us begin. Tumultuous few weeks have passed and thankfully, they have passed... my mind is settling, and this is one of those things where you aren't sure why things aren't okay, and you can't sleep, but I'm tired and all I want to do is get away from thinking, not a depression, but perhaps ultra sensitivity to every living element. I feel much better these past few days and I attribuite that to a concious declaration of change with myself. I know that I rattle on about this shit all the time, but I am for real. You needn't believe me sweet ones, I believe myself.
I have started the Atkins faithfully, with rigorous dedication as I once knew I was capable of. I have had success in the past but encountered new struggles as I reached certain goals... gotta do it from the inside out. And I am doing this for me... sorry boys, it is not to gain your attention as I had so falsely led myself to before... how can anyone be happy with me if I am not happy with myself... well I am getting there.... enough.

So I haven't seen Alli since the end of July. THis sucks. If you do not know who Allison is, I have failed you. She is my star. I love her. Allison has been the greatest friend I could ever hope for inthis world... and I fucked things up. I was going through some shit, she has a newer boyfriend that she was moving in with (abandonment issues much?.. me, not her) and we talked the first week in September and then I didn't speak with her until her confused messages turned to super pissed off messages... email of note: subject: what the fuck?
Nothing in me would ever purposefully hurt her, even one feeling. and girl is going through some shit- and I should have been there, so I feel like shit, but I am here. Right now I am here, and I would walk for fourteen hours, even fifteen, to hear her, anytime.

Break: today was a great day. we moved offices and now I have a much bigger space and a desk that makes me feel important... sort of like a principals desk, which is sort of what I become in the summer, though I never wanted to be- but when people fuck with the policies, well, I am going to have to see you in my office, that's right, I am important, I mean, just look at this desk. (and it has a little secret shelf underneath where I can keep secret things...yeah.)

I came home today and sat down to write a blog... I wanted to write the entire thing in the spirit that I was feeling at the time. And then my roomate woke up. He is going through some shit, (I know that you know about it Sam) and for one of the few times in my life, I don't know what to say. I can't even go into the details here because so many of you who read this know the both of us- I am angry, I am hurt, I am confused, I am sorry, I am tired of this shit, I think it could have been prevented, and I think priorities should be different ALL the way around.

I can't write what I want to right now. ... ... ahh! I may come accross as insensitive, or overly sensitive, but the truth is I don't want to come accross as anything, maybe just someone to understand my position that I am in right now and how all of this, ALL of it, is enough.

whooo... that may have been your rant folks, though I was planning on a piece that takes a close look at confidence and where it comes from.

Oh, and to my relief I was a real bitch at the end of last week due to a beautiful little curse called PMS... fellas, be very very happy that this is not part of your world... never did I estimate the power of PMS.. and somehow, every month, I continue to be suprised at my behavior... teehee.

SO I am well. I went out last Thursday night and had an excellent time. Though I think sis is getting past her weekday go outs... i felt like shit the next day and forgot some pretty essential details at work. Correctable, forgivable, but one of those, "wow, that was a close one" type things.which leads me into a sub-rant:

Will I ever feel ahead of "the game". professionally, specifically. I don't even feel "caught up" half of the time and I cannot recall one time where someone mention something and I said, aw, right, I did that last week... usually, I see someone, and it triggers a thought, or a task and then I go through a brief panic of what it is I have to do and when I will have time to do it.... the beauty of leading a department that was cut from six full time employees to two in 10 months. sO to all of my talented and skilled friends... remember the non-profit world when you are making your millions..I'll still be here, I love it- but there is so much money spent on NOT helping people that it is ridiculous not to help us out.
It's nearly ten and I am going to finish my book... and slumber peacefully.

I'll be back tomorrow.