Patience is a virtue? WTF.

My surgery has been postponed. Bastards. I suppose I can reach deep down inside and pull together one last strand of patience. (which means, of course, that I will not have any patience for the rest of my life).

This is a bit of a "ugh" blog so if you are looking for intelligent witticisms perhaps you should read elsewhere. Actually, you may find a few here... who knows what will happen.


It sounded so much better when it was : "Adult Child"... not just "Adult".
For those of you that may be new to the reading or not know me to the extent of calling each other friends, here is a well known fact: I take care of my family. In short, here is an example; my brother went through a break-up of a long relationship (try 15 years), he is currently living rent-free in my basement. My sister is going through a messy divorce and I have been paying some of her bills. My great grandmother died a week and two days ago and my mother is in shambles. I have spent seven of the past nine nights sleeping on the floor so she doesn't feel so alone. I am not going for an award here.. but that is simply a glimpse of the last few weeks. I cannot say that my spirits are high, or that I have even a concept of what I need right now. All I know for sure is that the one big thing I am trying to accomplish to make myself healthier keeps getting pushed back. It has been a defeating process thus far and at times I wonder if my purpose on this earth is not really for myself, rather to make sure that everyone else is alright. I am not your martyr. I am not pouting, I am just saying, look at the facts. Certainly, I could crawl out of my co-dependency for a bit and put me so far first. What would happen to the people I care about. I know they don't need my presence to survive, but damn, who would care?

Bringing it back to the title, when I was a child, I was considered an "adult child" primarily because I worked full time with odd jobs from the time I was 14 so we could pay rent, partly because I took care of the apartment for months at a time because my mother couldn't get out of bed, partly because the choices of my siblings, left me to care for our mother. The youngest is often considered to be the most selfish, in this case, I believe I may have beaten these odds. So now that I am no longer a child... I am simply considered an adult. I know this sounds really simple but hang in here with me. My point is, after you reach a certain age, and I cannot say that it is 18, you have expectations, and they come from everywhere. No longer is it seen as a strain on your development for you to put everything aside and care for everyone else, it is merely a part of adulthood.


I promise this blog will return to its entertaining state. Hang in there.





More later,
c

The big day (no pun intended) has arrived!

My surgery will be on November 1, 2005. Two weeks from today.

Here comes the Sun.....

It would be naive of me to think that as years pass the seperation of summer and the rest of the year isn't difficult and at times difficult to rationalize. My spirit thrives on the summer months. I believe it started when I was young and I arrived at the age when I began to wish and hope and anticipate that day in June when people came to celebrate me. My Birthday. When you enter grade school you either reflect on summer happenings, or anticipate them. It may be that the drastic weather changes make one prone to the "grass is always greener" syndrome that lurks at every corner. I realize that summer is when the magic happens, when people feel their best and certainly when the doldrums of the winter months are to be forgotten.

Where am I going with this? It never ceases to amaze me that even after 9 summers at camp (yes, 9) I still have an extremely difficult post-camp season. This year is no different. I will be completely honest is sharing with you that some of the most important people in my life work at this camp. There is a different sort of bond that you share with someone when you go through something so beautiful, difficult, trying, freeing, elating, stubborn, and real. When you see people at their best, and you are not insane to think that they are always capable of being their best. When you steal a glance at someone and realize that this is what happiness is, or this is what doubt is, or this is what frustration is.... there cannot be anything but realness... a trait that has long soince burried itself in the technological communication within our society. I am certainly a prticipant. Would I rather email a co-worker I needd something from and put an urgent tone on it and put the !! on it so it looks SO important rather than walk into their space and explain why I am frustrated? yes, many times. So, it is with the fall season that comes a lonlieness of sorts. I still have many friends that I talk to regularly but we are all out of the summer now... and many of us are spread so far apart and on with the new parts of our lives that it is difficult to be together and feel what we felt. Alright... I am going to move onnow... Iam going somewhere with this. Point to read- I really miss the companionship and unparalled friendships that I had this summer. I miss you all.

Better news!! I have been approved for my surgery. I should be receiving a call from the office any day now to schedule. I am elated and have a smile pinned fromear to ear. I am going to start another blog about the process and we will go from there. I will call most of ou as soon as I know any more details.

My friend Jim is coming ome in less than a month. I haven't seen him in a year but I certainly looking forward to his company once again.

The doctor's have given my great gandmother 2-3 days to live. SHe is 102. She has lived a wonderful life and has many people that love her dearly. Unfortunately, in the last few weeks, she has lost the ability to recognize loved ones, eat, or drink much of anything. She is ready to go. She finally said it yeasterday. My mother is possibly a living saint. She has lived with my great grandmother for the last five years to take care of her every need. The last year it has been around the lock care and she has not had even a night away. Every other week she will get out of the house for a few hours, but that is it. Even as my great grandmother lies in the Hospice part of the Hospital, my mother sits by her bead for 10-12 hours a day. Her own children see her for maybe 20 minutes. I have been up as much as I can, which I think, is never enough. If you wonder where I get the unconditional caring part of me, take a look at my mother. She has had her struggles, but as I have been learning over the last few years she is te most amazing woman I could ever know. She is the most caring, giving, non-judgemental, intelligent and cultered people I could ever hope to know and she did all of this while raising three children by herself, struggled with mental illness, survived on very few resources. In a time when I was very angry with my life and my family situation I told a few friends that my only goal in life was to be nothing like my mother or father. That is a shame. I think I am lucky to have characteristics of both my mother and my father. I think I am fortunate to have lived through the adversity of my childhood and thankful for the character it has given me. My mother said the other day that when the time comes for me to have children, she knows I will be a natural mother and an excellent one at that. That was the best compliment I have ever received. ( no plans of conception folks- not to worry) I think it was because she never says anything just to make us feel better, she says the truth. We were talking about my sister and after my grandmother passes, my mother is going to move to North Carolina to be with my sister and her four little ones. She is a saint. I just can't imagine where I would be without her. I just want everyone to know that as much as I joke about her being crazy and as comfortable as I feel about talking about her mental illness and all the times growing up that were less than ideal....I want all of you to know that beneath allthat rubble thereis a survivor, a beautiful, intelligent, fighter of a woman that I am fortunate to have as my mother.

Wow- today must be random track today because this blog is leading itself.

I suppose that I should wrap this up a bit- I havemany things to get accomplished before the day is out. I hope all is well.

All my best to all of you.
c