not so much color blind....

Hey there all. Things are starting to have a bit of justice in my eyes and part of that comes from knowing that I cannot, in fact, make everything right. My words are what they are, and sometimes they don't come out right, sometimes they don't come out at all... but nonetheless, things are going better in my eyes and I feel that I owe little to no explanation for this.

I wish that I had brought the tarot readings with me so that I could type it for all to see. The thing is, I don't invest much of myself into this tarot or fortune type stuff... I am usually idealistic, but factually based.. as in, let me see it, then I will believe you. But somehow in the last few weeks with the way of my world, I have needing any sort of efinition... the gray had gotten the best of me and even my opinions had nothing to stand on... often sitting idle in my head as to not ruffle any feathers. nuff... here is a bit about some good things that are happening.

Tonight: I am going out with Jim and Korey, two great friends that I enjoy spending time with. Jim is leaving to teach in Prague and that makes me sad. when I think about it realistically, Jim and I have spent more time together in the last few months that we have in the past seven years... but that just makes me realize that damn, this guy is great company.. and I will know this again because Jim and I have established that we can be friends as we pursue our adult lives... Today is Halloween and usually I would dress up and get all crazy with the homies but I am opting for a simpler time. It isn't that I cannot appreciate a god wig every now and then, but it sounded nice to keep things simple this year. And Kelli might join us. Kelli needs a good night out. She works with me and used to tear it up (only like 5 months ago) but now her boyfriend is older and he doesn't go out and she hasn't established that part of her life in Des Moines, well darlin' let me show you the way. teehee.


Sunday:
I amgoing to North Carolina with my brother. We are driving down to see my sister. Fucking great. Seriously, no other way to describe it. Time away from life with my brother, there is nothing better. He is my best friend and I can't wait to travel with him. He doesn't get away from his life very often, and when he does, he is a totally difeerent person, its great. and I would say that I change a bit as well, I don't have the stresses of life and work.. I leave those bags at home.


Hilarious side story:
Alright, for all of you who have continuously encouraged me to take my act on the road... I just want to let you know that I had a revelation last night that all of my humour, I owe to my family. Seriously, my family is fucking hilarious... so ast night was beggars night and my aunt Nan runs out of candy about an hour earlier... so she digs around for what she can give the kids... meanwhile my grandma is sitting on the couch telling me that she looks pimpin' because she has on a pleather orange witch hat with an orange feather boa.... the dog is in a tu tu and a tiara, and my uncle John claims that all the kids are dressed like hookers this year.... so my aunt comes back with two packs of Ramen noodles, milkbones (for kids who have dogs??) and ten packets of instant oatmeal. Fucking hilarious. I coiuld not stop laughing, these people are my family, they are hilarious, and I love them. hilarious.

Alright, I have to go now... more details on the Minneapolis job front soon. They want me tointerview, and I hear from them daily... shit I have to get a resume together.

Struggle: am I honest with current employer, who has been great to me, about interviewing for this position, or do I hold off until things are a bit more decided....?

Have a great weekend.
claire

And then I took a deep breath....

So the past week has been a time of trials, and by trials I mean that there were several points throughout the week where I was struggling, really struggling to find some sort of reason or message... not in a spiritual sort of way... more so that something, somewhere, has to start making sense before I am consumed with circumstances that I not only cannot control, but struggle to make alright forthose around me, and myself... I guess the prime source of distress was that I couldn't make these things better for people, all of them were beyond my control... all of them. and the reality that there is nothing that you can do to make things better for someone that you care about is a shitty, lonely place to be. there were three peopl close to me that lost a family member, death, not misplaced. roomate going through some shit that fogs his glimpse of the light at the end of the tunnel, last minute responsibilities to lead a trip, sister had her baby, premature, he is in intensive care. I will listen, I will talk or not talk, I will be here for you and you will, without exception, remain under my wing. there you are, all of you, under my wing.

So my brother and I are going to North Carolina on Sunday to spend a week with my sister. She isn't doing so hot as the little guy is still in the hospital and she is at home, she is helpless. She is miserable, and I can't make everything all better, but I can be there for her and that little tiny John Matthew...bless him.

While in Minneapolis I met with my old director and he wants me to interview for a Director position in the good ol twin cities... moving is a daunting task... but I choose not to settle, and I have been offered great opportunities here, and that is where the obligation to remain here comes from.. I don't know. I have passion for where I am at and who we serve, but I realized that I actually slept an entire night through when I was in Minneapolis... really slept, and I haven't slept that well since I was in Denver... point is, the stress level from my job doesn't allow to ever wind down.... and being worried sleepless about my roomate doesn't exactly help either, I don't think he knows how worried I get, now he will, cause he reads this, but so you know CT, I worry for you more than you will ever know, and sometimes I walk away when you are talking because I need to hear you say something different, I need to hear you say that you know tghings will work out... I need you to make changes and not just talk about making changes, I need you to realize that the world is not against you, that there are a handful of people near to you who would do anything for you. right now if you asked. .. i needed to get that out because it has been inside for much too long now.

Love to all, I will be alright.
c

Indoor State Fair... in Minneapolis

that my friends,is exactly what the Mall of America is... every type of human creature devoured in consumption... every last one of the greedy bastards. I don't remember having a vo6te about a structure representing America... shouldn't I have a say in it?? So it was my first tripto this mall... and had I made the choice to go there on my own, perhpaps my perspective would have less of a "tone". I had to lead a trip for work because the girl that is the trip leader had a death in the family.. I don't mind it, but it isnt my first choice to spend a weekend. more later- I am going for a bit.

Saturday morning and there is sunshine to be seen.

It is 9:15 a.m. and I am not only awake, and have been since 7:00 but I feel great about things. I am at work, but I am planning/decorating for an event next weekend. I'd rather not be here, but the purpose or reason that I needed to get me ass out of bed on a Saturday morning has given me a glimpse of the peacefullness of a Saturday that I miss when I am sleeping or hungover. I am starting to have a lot of new perspectives here, and I don't think that I will just observe them this time, i am ready to take them on. There was an interesting analogy/metaphor in a book I was reading last night. It said something like this: Your life is a puzzle, and everything, work, friends, family, hobbies, make up the pieces, so when you take yourself out of that puzzle, and you change your piece, you have to allow the time for all of the other pieces to change, or you have to change them yourself to make sure that your piece fits again. Re-shaping. For instance if I am a huge soccer buff,(nice example Claire) and my friends and I are connected partly through the "love of the game" then one day I decide, no more soccer for me. No way, never playing agin, it is a self destructive hobby getting me nowhere (more effective comparrison would be alcohol, drugs, eating, smoking, etc.) So my friends that are truly my friends will have to adjust, not necessarily change THEIR ways, but accept and reshape their perspective of me so that we are able to fit the peices together again. I don't want anyone to be like me, that's why I like you. But an understanding, or acceptance, is always welcome.

I hope that makes sense .. it makes sense to me, I guess I needed to write it so that it would stay there.

Back to work.. painting and decorating are waiting.

claire.

The day the power went and everything was okay.

I woke up this morning to flashing lights on my alarm clock. I look at my cell phone, 9:26. Yeah, I needed to be at work at 8:00 and still needed to shower. So I call the panicked call to my boss, who I was supposed to meet with: Sherri, the electricity went out and I am so sorry that I missed our meeting this morning.
Sherri: ooh, did someone just wake up? It's alright, I though our meeting was at 11:30, take your time, you probably needed the sleep.
Me: Thanks, I'll see you at 11:30.

That was way too easy, then when I call my co-worker to let her know the situation and where I will be if she needs me, she says, yeah, all the power went out at camp.... we figured you were still sleeping.

Can I get a wake-up call here people? It was a strange start to the day as everyone that usually expects me to be everywhere at once was suddenly sympathetic to the fact that the power went out, and that I needed the sleep. It was a little strange. Also strange, Last night at 4:30, when I woke up because my dog was crazy barking outside I went outside in just my t-shirt and undies and realized once I was unwrapping his leash from the tree at 4:30am that all of my surroundings were dreamlike. It was super eerie.

Last night I received a call that offered me the opportunity to interview for a job similar to the one that I have, alot less stress, more pay and great location. Twin cities anyone? I have a FLOOD of thoughts on this one and I don't know whhere to start. So.. I will wait.

My mom cancelled on me for lunch today and said that she waited to tell me until last night because she didn't want me to get mad at her and not call her for weeks. Nice. never mind common courtesy. I am not mad, disappointed, yes. again. The last six times we have made plans at her request she has cancelled last minute or just not shown up... the one that burned the most was my birthday dinner, that is why I didn't call her. I don't know. I do- but I won't get into it.

I have progressed from emotionally vacant to emotionally confused.

I talked with Steve from Americorp today and he is great, he wants to join us again next summer. great guy. He also would like me to come to Texas next weekend to hang out. If I wasn't saving for a car, I would. But I really want a car in the next month so I don't think that I will go.

I need to stop smoking and drinking soda. for real. I am definitely decreasing significantly, but I just need to stop all together.

That is all for right this minute... back to work for me.. Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

Nothin but love.

Here is some chocolate for my friend Sam, some release for me, and perhpaps some definition for my dearest Alli.

For all who read, for you to know, as I had received many inquistions as to who this person or that person is or what there validation is... I don't always explain, I don't always know- and I write this for me, and you (as I have discovered), but some explanations I trust few with, so email me if you have specific questions, or just read between.

I am not trying to be elusive by any means, but there is an element of vunerability of that which I choose to share (it clears my head) so I remain yours faithfully, guarded. (in text, not in person, I'll dish it all out in person...holla.)

Let us begin. Tumultuous few weeks have passed and thankfully, they have passed... my mind is settling, and this is one of those things where you aren't sure why things aren't okay, and you can't sleep, but I'm tired and all I want to do is get away from thinking, not a depression, but perhaps ultra sensitivity to every living element. I feel much better these past few days and I attribuite that to a concious declaration of change with myself. I know that I rattle on about this shit all the time, but I am for real. You needn't believe me sweet ones, I believe myself.
I have started the Atkins faithfully, with rigorous dedication as I once knew I was capable of. I have had success in the past but encountered new struggles as I reached certain goals... gotta do it from the inside out. And I am doing this for me... sorry boys, it is not to gain your attention as I had so falsely led myself to before... how can anyone be happy with me if I am not happy with myself... well I am getting there.... enough.

So I haven't seen Alli since the end of July. THis sucks. If you do not know who Allison is, I have failed you. She is my star. I love her. Allison has been the greatest friend I could ever hope for inthis world... and I fucked things up. I was going through some shit, she has a newer boyfriend that she was moving in with (abandonment issues much?.. me, not her) and we talked the first week in September and then I didn't speak with her until her confused messages turned to super pissed off messages... email of note: subject: what the fuck?
Nothing in me would ever purposefully hurt her, even one feeling. and girl is going through some shit- and I should have been there, so I feel like shit, but I am here. Right now I am here, and I would walk for fourteen hours, even fifteen, to hear her, anytime.

Break: today was a great day. we moved offices and now I have a much bigger space and a desk that makes me feel important... sort of like a principals desk, which is sort of what I become in the summer, though I never wanted to be- but when people fuck with the policies, well, I am going to have to see you in my office, that's right, I am important, I mean, just look at this desk. (and it has a little secret shelf underneath where I can keep secret things...yeah.)

I came home today and sat down to write a blog... I wanted to write the entire thing in the spirit that I was feeling at the time. And then my roomate woke up. He is going through some shit, (I know that you know about it Sam) and for one of the few times in my life, I don't know what to say. I can't even go into the details here because so many of you who read this know the both of us- I am angry, I am hurt, I am confused, I am sorry, I am tired of this shit, I think it could have been prevented, and I think priorities should be different ALL the way around.

I can't write what I want to right now. ... ... ahh! I may come accross as insensitive, or overly sensitive, but the truth is I don't want to come accross as anything, maybe just someone to understand my position that I am in right now and how all of this, ALL of it, is enough.

whooo... that may have been your rant folks, though I was planning on a piece that takes a close look at confidence and where it comes from.

Oh, and to my relief I was a real bitch at the end of last week due to a beautiful little curse called PMS... fellas, be very very happy that this is not part of your world... never did I estimate the power of PMS.. and somehow, every month, I continue to be suprised at my behavior... teehee.

SO I am well. I went out last Thursday night and had an excellent time. Though I think sis is getting past her weekday go outs... i felt like shit the next day and forgot some pretty essential details at work. Correctable, forgivable, but one of those, "wow, that was a close one" type things.which leads me into a sub-rant:

Will I ever feel ahead of "the game". professionally, specifically. I don't even feel "caught up" half of the time and I cannot recall one time where someone mention something and I said, aw, right, I did that last week... usually, I see someone, and it triggers a thought, or a task and then I go through a brief panic of what it is I have to do and when I will have time to do it.... the beauty of leading a department that was cut from six full time employees to two in 10 months. sO to all of my talented and skilled friends... remember the non-profit world when you are making your millions..I'll still be here, I love it- but there is so much money spent on NOT helping people that it is ridiculous not to help us out.
It's nearly ten and I am going to finish my book... and slumber peacefully.

I'll be back tomorrow.

alright I'm back. I have taken a bit of a break, perhaps to allow the thoughts to rest... too much thinking, even when writing to let it out, makes my head hurt. Let me try to recap the events of the weekend, all of which will be laced withthe brightness of hindsight.

Last Thursday I went to dinner with my friend Jim. Jim is a wonderful guy who I went to highg school with- we had an excellent time together. Conversation flowed as did the wine. A perfect dinner date if I do say so myself. Do you ever talk to someone and get the impression that you are the only person that they want to be listening too?? That there is no other place that they would want to be? That is how I feel, and I feel Jim feels, when we spend time together.

Friday was perhaps the longest day, though by longest I do not mean in any way that it was not pleasent. The evening promissed to provide a birthday party and time spent with Cody and Sam, that is it. What I got from the evening was such an amazing "balls to the wall" evening- true fun without regards to consequences... hilarious. seriously. I felt like I was 35 again... oh wait. It was really excited to be with Sam, he is always a source of great, meaningful fun, and it was nice to see Cody realx and just have a good time- none of us had an agenda that night- it was needed. So we drank until we were pickled and then made lots of friends and then danced until 5:00 in the mornning and then came home and brushed eachothers hair and gave eachother back rubs... you figure it out. then I pretended to sleep... ahh it has been too long- no ithasn't- I know that the choices that I made this weekend will not be choices that I choose again. seriously... my head is like soup. my love is like whoa.

Saturday was a mess. period. I had a great time at my brothers, where he had a barbeque for a few close friends, it was very chill and safe, if you will, and I will. I was enjoying my time there but knew that I wanted to spend time with Sam as he was only here for the weekend. But I was still feeling a bit like an alien from the previous evening. I went to the Lift to meet everyone and it seems that there was already tension as I arrived. Basically I was not in a social mood and really wanted to sit and watch, but then I felt the obligation to pull the pouting company out of neglect and include everyone because I cannot stand people being childish when the evening isn't about them. it was about Sam, I don't care if you feel that you were ignored or interupted, deal with it, it wasn't intentional. So we move on to another bar and this is where I received my first impression that I may be responsible for the success of anothers evening. I wanted everyone to have a great time, and somehow I felt responsible. So then we go to a bar thatnot everyone can get into, and eventhough I can, I go to the other bar because I don't want the opther peeps to feel left out- so ther person we went to the other bar FOR basically ditches us once we get ther and then the people that were supposed to meet us there, who opted to stay at the first bar (it is more fun) didnt show up. Side note, Cody is a great companion during these times as we danced and danced little recognition of our third companion getting completely drunk and our fourth companion talking to other people (which is fine, but when I don't go to a bar because you can't get in and then I only see you once at the shitty bar that I decided to go to WITH you, don't blow me off- it's just rude) also note that I was not in a good mood this night- and writing about it now I know that these things are not a big deal, perhaps just an oversight of common courtesy. And I wish that my irritation stopped there, but ti didn't. A friend that I consider to be a good one, but who is young, was wasted. And as soon as we got outside she became completely demanding and beligerant. I love her, but was annoyed. Very demanding, very inconsiderate, and talking loudly into my phone about how shitty we were and that we were leaving her- yeah- we were not leaving her- her drunk ass is the reason I only had one beer the entire night- I had that feeling I was the driver, though I did not volunteer. So we waited for Sam and crew to join us after the other bar closed to decide what we were going to do... though it was evidently already decided as the drunk had proclaimed that I was taking her to her house or I was driving her to my house so thta she could pass out and drive home in the morning. great.
Now the fun hadn't even officially begun as I got the pleasure of riding among self pity that will lead into my weekly RANT. soon enough.

more later. out.