I have just returned from exercising... and I feel like a million bucks baby! My active endeavors are not as painful as Sam's, but I am starting with this one week trial and then going to join. I like the place that I am going, it is all women and for some reason, it makes it alot more fun... no inadequecies here fellas... I'm alright. I have some goals for myself and each day I think that I am really going to get there... inside out. Not a new me by any means.. I'm quite content with what is happening in my life, rather, a polishing of some sorts. I want if nothing more to be relentless with my inner and outer needs. Not obsessive...but relentless. And I have discovered that one CAN put themselves first, always, without being selfish. It is truly a fine line, any many get it confused. (I think in the past I have been selfish with my heart... for fear of being hurt???) vunerability is a bitch... but, I can put myself first, in a healthy way, and not be selfish. I have struggled to understand that and for possibly the first time it makes sense to me.

How about them Cubbies???? yeah cubs!

I am interested in someone... and I want to see them more often, and spend time with them, and see what happens. We are both pretty busy people, which is nice... but I guess I am confused because I hope that I didn't miss the opportunity to really say what I meant.

Ahhh fuck it's Tuesday- this is a good RANT:
Title: I think.... I like... emm... SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!

Here's the situation, and though I would like to turn this into third person vagueness... not today. Alright so I am hanging out with a guy that I used to go to school with. And I like him, I think he is a incredible person. I was actually friends with his brother first, but knew him a bit later. I spent time with him a few weeks ago for the first time in years. (we made out a party like three years ago and I didn't speak to him after that) why?? I was immature and thought that it was weird. So we are hanging out, playng pool, GREAT company, great time. He says," I used to really like you, but I never did anything about it." I say (like a complete d-bag) " hmm... no kidding." That's right Claire, drop all intentions of sensitivity and leave it to sarcasm to get you out of this one. What did I mean to say??
*** interuption, he just called, and it was great****
alright, so what I meant to say was,"hmm.. never too late", or" I really liked, and still like you, I think that you are one of the greatest people I have ever met" maybe that would be too much- but the point is WHY why why why do I continually save the words for when it is too late, or when it will be not enough... had I seized the moment, perhaps I wouldn't be typing all this jazz right now and instead I would behanging out with him... but no- tippity typing these words to settle the restless felling of unknown that are occupying my thoughts. So is this a rant, or an explosion of unsecured self doubt.. I don't know- but what I do know is that I have wasted much too much of my precious fucking time not saying what I mean. (though sarcasm will still be there, its genetic or something, some people have really nice eyes, I have sarcasm)

All right.. cheers to all. And especially Kilgs, who was reading me far before the age of blog. smush ya.

out.

(yeah Cubs!)

I have just returned from exercising... and I feel like a million bucks baby! My active endeavors are not as painful as Sam's, but I am starting with this one week trial and then going to join. I like the place that I am going, it is all women and for some reason, it makes it alot more fun... no inadequecies here fellas... I'm alright. I have some goals for myself and each day I think that I am really going to get there... inside out. Not a new me by any means.. I'm quite content with what is happening in my life, rather, a polishing of some sorts. I want if nothing more to be relentless with my inner and outer needs. Not obsessive by any means...but relentless. And I have discovered that one CAN put themselves first, always, without being selfish. It is truly a fine line, any many get it confused. (I think in the past I have been selfish with my heart... for fear of being hurt???) vunerability is a bitch... but, I can put myself first, in a healthy way, and not be selfish. I have struggled to understand that and for possibly the first time it makes sense to me.

How about them Cubbies???? yeah cubs!

I am interested in someone... and I want to see them more often, and spend time with them, and see what happens. We are both pretty busy people, which is nice... but I guess I am confused because I hope that I didn't miss the opportunity to really say what I meant.

Ahhh fuck it's Tuesday- this is a good RANT:
Title: I think.... I like... emm... SAY WHAT YOU MEAN!

Here's the situation, and though I would like to turn this into third person vagueness... not today. Alright so I am hanging out with a guy that I used to go to school with. And I like him, I think he is a incredible person. I was actually friends with his brother first, but knew him a bit later. I spent time with him a few weeks ago for the first time in years. (we made out a party like three years ago and I didn't speak to him after that) why?? I was immature and thought that it was weird. So we are hanging out, playng pool, GREAT company, great time. He says," I used to really like you, but I never did anything about it." I say (like a complete d-bag) " hmm... no kidding." That's right Claire, drop all intentions of sensitivity and leave it to sarcasm to get you out of this one. What did I mean to say??
*** interuption, he just called, and it was great****
alright, so what I meant to say was,"hmm.. never too late", or" I really liked, and still like you, I think that you are one of the greatest people I have ever met" maybe that would be too much- but the point is WHY why why why do I continually save the words for when it is too late, or when it will be not enough... had I seized the moment, perhaps I wouldn't be typing all this jazz right now and instead I would behanging out with him... but no- tippity typing these words to settle the restless felling of unknown that are occupying my thoughts. So is this a rant, or an explosion of unsecured self doubt.. I don't know- but what I do know is that I have wasted much too much of my precious fucking time not saying what I mean. (though sarcasm will still be there, its genetic or something, some people have really nice eyes, I have sarcasm)

All right.. cheers to all. And especially Kilgs, who was reading me far before the age of blog. smush ya.

out.

(yeah Cubs!)

This may be a long one... I know that "technically" I should be returning phone calls and "working".. I know that- but first, let me take five minutes to empty the plate of thought... I just can't think with all of this going on in my head.

My dream last night was excellent... that sort of peaceful dream where you wake up completely content. Not the envious sort of dream where you try to push yourself back into sleep to scavenge another few mintues of sub-reality, but the type where the time you had was enough, story told. It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud.... and how dreams are- where it seems perfectly logical at the time- and then you say it and suddenly people look at you like you are a unicorn. Dream: My mom lived on a cruise ship in a really nice apartment, with my 100 year old great grandmother, throughout the dream, I would often panic that if I would visit her, the boat may leave from the dock and I would be stuck on the boat, missing something or late for work. Even in my dream I was hesitant in my time with her because I knew that I did not want to be stranded on this damn boat. Here is the great part. I married the lead singer of dashboard confessional. it was a pleasent, small ceremony. I chose the soundtrack to the wedding and one of the groomsmen stated that he had landed a great catch with great taste in music. I remember that my husbands father built and rebuilt Harleys, and his mother refurnished old furniture. My husband loved me and we were happy, and we would regularly hide from others to make out. it was nice. There was at least a few more hours of things going on here but the truth is that I woke up content. Not that I am crazy into being married, but I am headed towards the preparedness of being in a relationship.

Side note: recently, a previous interest has stumbled back into my world... and I could be alright with knowing him better. I will keep you updated.

Alright- on to the bantor of this weekends activities. I had plans to be productive this weekend, I really did, but truth be known- I lost all of that with my ridiculous activities on Friday night. I am not sure if I try to prove to myself that it is possible to actually pickle oneself in one evening, but when I was done being unconscious on Saturday morning, I am surprised that my liver did not jump out and bitch slap me.
Bruises, bruises, bruises. I fell down approximately SIX times on Friday night- because I was drunk.... and it wasn't one of those I am helpless tipsy, misbalanced type falls- these were " I am the best dancer in the world, take that Chicago, oops there's a speaker, flat on my face" type falls. Literally, I tripped over a speaker and have the skinned knees and blue shins to prove it. There was also the time when I was dancing with Cody and he bumped into me and I flew back and knocked my head into the mirrors before sliding to the ground... all the while laughing like it was possibly the funniest thing I had ever accomplished... I feel that I have finally achieved the cliche phrase of "dance like no one is watching" why? because no one in their right mind would purposefully allow me to go on like this with people watching... I should have known better??? but then again- I just didn't care, my life is too short and when I think about Friday, I laugh- seriously laugh at what an ass I made of myself- but I don't feel like a twat because I had a great time. Saturday on the otherhand I felt like absolute, hellacious shit. I wasn't sick- I was just feeling all of the pain from the gymnastics of the previous evening. I stayed in on Saturday, because I felt as if I could only run my show one night a week without it taking toll on life's more important qualities, like dignity... I read a great book and Sunday I felt like at least a dollar fifty. Today I feel great, and new things are around the way for me- I am going to make some calls tonight and see where things go. cheers to all.

After reading through past blogs that I put onto all that read.. I realize in recent history that often I have resulted to justifying or prefixing thought with disclaimers... fuck it- no more of that. I have nothing more to disclaim. what I write is just as it is.

A few hollas:

Luke: if you read this, I have been keeping up with you- send me an email at my hotmail address so that when time prevails (as it does at home) I can share some things with you. You are missed... I can't believe it only a week since you left... seems much longer, you sound well. I miss you.

Sam: Heeeeyy BABY! Only one week until you are with us again. I know that you arrival is much anticipated. We are ready for you and anxiously await your safe arrival. You are loved and missed.

Kilgs: Just because you have access to enter into my world and "read between the lines" does not excuse you from calling or emailing me. I don't have your number after your re-entry to the palace in which you reside.(read: I miss you and don't know how to truly express that other than blaming you for lack of communication....teeehee).

Alright- here are the facts:
I was a bastard to Cody last night because I fail to be honest with him consistently which leads to me get ridiculously maddened at truly simple circumstances. We will talk. I think part of it is that the grass is pretty much consistantly greener on the other side. I wish for his social priorities and lax schedule and quest for peace of self. I think (think) that he would like the comfort of a salaried job with the benefits and the consistancy of some sort of routine. Which leads to unparalled schedules and mind frames.... and after time resentment. I'm not there..(the resentment thing) but last night it was close and I just can't feel that way about this kid- I love him way too much. Truth be told I wouldn't be where I am without his support and I certainly couldn't deal with the living situation without knowing that he might be there when I come home. I enjoy living with him. We make great partners in life... not in any sort of romantic or sexual way(for those of you that do not know us) but in a content domestic sort of way. (We have the dog, the house, the shared expenses...all that typical married type shit)

I am going to go out tonight and try to convince the world that I am a washed up, early nineties, "techno" diva...(insert Ce Ce Pennison's west coast club gigs here) la da da dee da da ya da... be my lova... hmmm... it could work for me.
Either that or I will drink until I forget where I am. Its fun.. sort of like playing a trick on yourself... ahh, I love playing tricks on myself.

Truth me told, I am easy to trick... I owe it all to the long lasting "experimental" phase that destroyed most of my memory... ha ha wish I was kidding. I think that most of my memory capacity is at Mike's house in SF or on the curb in Chicago... along with my dignity- wow- I should really go and pick that up.

I'm rambling, therefore, I am out.

disclaimer: the following blurb make little sense to anyone but me... I know that it is not as entertaining as past... but it is a bit inside of me so i cut it off... before revealing too much.. ahh fuck it- I'll get there someday... maybe I'll start tomorrow. In addition, I do not like to talk about work a whole lot in here... perhaps because it proves to be a release from all that....

Thursday has proven to be a career highlight for me. A bit of an unexpected really... I thought my meeting this afternoon would be sort of a trial that would let everyone know that I don't really know what I am talking about... my insecurities play into to this new position quite alot... for so long I have thought that my passion for people would carry me through just about anything when the truth is... you have to have your shit together to back it up. I worked my ass of to get where I am...and I am not done working... thats just it- I have to keep working my ass off to make sure that this will be the best place it can be... and it will be. I have confidence in myself.. I'm just learning- and as long as I have the capicity to learn.. and absorb all that is there.... Basically I had the most hellacious summer of my life and compromised alot of relationships for the sake of my job. ( don't ever so this.. in the long run- it doesn't pay off and you look like a chump) Then my co-worker bailed and the load was on me.. a huge load- working with people is a profession where little to nothing can be compromised, not that it should be.... and I took a position that I have wanted to acheive for quite sometime but professionally wasn't sure I was ready for... I was thinking I could get here in five years and I was here in 7 months... teehee... (insert panic type laugh here) So I am here. and today was the operations team quarterly review where I met with the powers that be and represented what I was working for. All I can say is that they respect me, believe in me, and support me entirely- couldn't be better... then WHY do I feel like I don't deserve this.. granted- I am still only a month into this and there is six months of back work that needs to be reckoned with- but nonetheless, its up to me. alright- I'm finished here.( I think it strange that I started this blog with the intention of peicing together a fairly confident paragraph about how well things went today- and the hard work I put into it... and then somehow it turns into a regurgitation of insecurity...funny how that works) nuff.

(disclaimer: I am sick today.. as in slept and watched daytime television until the realization passed my groggy head that I am glad that I go to work every day... ... my throat feels like a desert with puddles, my head an empty warehouse with a floor that needs to be mopped... I am hoping that all of this magically disappears by tomorrow as I have a significant luncheon where I have to host a table...and there is a woman coming from D.C. to speak about "Women's Initiative for Children"... I need to be on my toes and at this time I feel the best response I could offer to anything is,"huh?")

On to... Tuesday RANT.
This one thrives on character flaws... and yours truly as the inspiration. SUBJECT: Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Really? I thought spending time with people and knowing them makes the heart grow fonder... but I am the first to admit that often times my heart is the fondest of those that are not near me... why? Perhaps it is when someone is not near you... you still have the ability to make them what you like... and if you only see them here and there- your time together is rarely spent finding each others inadequecies... true enough. This is ridiculous. It is not to say that I do not feel as if my time should be spent forgetting those that move away or step off of screen for a few minutes... but the reality of it is... my head and my heart get all mixed up and I don't know how to feel. I often feel more regret than fondess... I used to live by the motto, "forget regret or life is yours to miss." Fair enough- BUT can I not help regret (not in an up all night- lose sleep over it type of thing.. rather reflective awareness) that I did not make the most of the time that I was with this person... can I not admit that perhaps I was too unavailable because I knew when this person.. or these people whould leave... and that dammit, it would hurt that much more. I imagine that it is pretty common knowledge that it is easier to be the one leaving than the one left- I know that for fact- I have be the party that leaves for many years... it is easier.. its new, exciting and I wish all of the best to my friends and family that are other places... ( I am very happy not to be leaving.. I am happy here)but it doesn't make my heart fonder, it makes me fucking lonely at times, it makes me sad, and it makes me feel a bit vunerable... sometimes. Does being away from my neices and nephews make my heart fonder? no... it makes me think about how I would like to see them every day and how I want them to know me and how I want to know them. Does being away from Mike make my heart grow fonder??(not that it could) no- it makes me wish that we lived in the same city and that I could see him every day if I wanted to. Sam in New York? miss him. Tim in New York? miss him. Chris in Iowa City? miss him. Alli? miss her. Erin, Travis, Wade, Ray, Mike??? miss,miss,miss, miss, miss. Luke? miss him terribly. John? yep.

I have the comfort of knowing that I will see all of these people again... and let this not come off as selfish as it sounds... the message here is that my heart grows fonder each time I talk to these people... each time I get the joy of their company.. or the luxury of traveling to see them. What I need to do- is stop waiting for the distance... make the most of the time that we have together so that when distance occurs... hey- great times were had.. and will continue.. I suppose it is my "emotional vacancy" that allows me to dismiss someone as soon as their departure is in sight... why? it just feels like someone punches me in the heart each time a friend leaves.

was that a rant? I'm not sure.. but it is out now and I feel better about it. I just need to take time and really appreciate people... the rest of the world can wait-

Back again.. I'm not sure if it is solitude of my Sunday evening that allows me to be free flowing with thoughts or the inspiration to get these out of my head and let them loose... or perhaps the hint of a one-sided psuedo conversation.

Here are some lyrics that have enlightened me tonight:

You called to say you wanted out
Well, I can't say I blame you now
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well.
Now you're gone and their wasted on me.

So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well.
Now its worn and wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're going to get.

---DBC 2003

Strangely enough I do not feel as if these lyrics are "saw at my wrist with a spork" type lyrics. They hold truth and as of a few weeks ago, I could relate to them. My scenario does not have the bitter connotation that this does but I truly appreciate the line that says " you've got to fold before you're found out". I know that I have been on the receiving and giving end of situations just like this. I have to get out before this person finds out that I am not who they think I am... not that I haven't been honest with the party involved, rather, perhaps they encountered me in a period of my life when things weren't what I knew they could be... or when I wasn't what I knew I could be.. and am. So pretty much I wasn't honest with myself which allowed for me to not recognize the dishonesty that I was representing. it makes sense to me.

So many thoughts right now... but there is still a hesitancy that lies beneath each entry... perhaps when the realization hits that I am the only one who really reads this... or that the people who share my thoughts do so out of curiousity for knowing and not otherwise, then I will truly free myself... perhaps I am afraid of what I will see. In addition, I stand true that I strive to write this for me.. not for the reader...though the reader is in mind...

My mind is tumultuous right now over things that are beyond my control. Patience is resting near me and I want to hold on to it... but other things tell me to hold on to what I know is real, and true. but if I did not exist without hope, then I may not exist at all, it has, in fact, brought me to where I am.

I should go now- not that I don't have loads to write about, rather I have an 8:00 meeting that requires brain power... and this meeting in particular is going to require some balls on my part. and... truthfully.. the unknown is getting the best of me, not getting me down by any means, just getting to me. more later.

cheers. thanks for reading this, to all who do- it means that you hold some value to what is going on in my place, and I thank you for taking the time.... either that or you are bored at work and trying to "look busy" either way- I support that.

fin.

So the blog that I wrote on Friday did not disappear... but when I cheked on Friday.. it was not there. Perhaps that is strange.. but at the same time great... so read below at the original thoughts that were to be shared with you.

I typed a rather reflective and somewhat poetic blog on Friday and to the credit of my clumsy fingers I deleted it. The strangest part of it was that I knew I couldn't get those words back... they were gone and I didn't know where . If they fall into the wrong hands.... misinterpreted.... all of these things...a bit like speaking before thinking.. not that I think that I should put alot of thought into my blogs... it is the release of thought that keeps them coming... so from now on it is likely that I will not proof my blogs... as they are essentially for me... and I do not think less of myself because I have had a 20 year struggle to correctly spell the word: necessary. Finally after all of these years... I think. I think it is interesting the word that I had the most trouble with... and it is also curious to me that someone very lose to me struggles with the word tomorrow.... it seems interesting as if these spellings have been overlooked for so long... when is it that you realize... or that you need to be able to spell it... it is the struggle with this word (or the meaning)that is actually the learning process, not the word itself?

For those of you who know me well, know my brother. He is a wonderful man who is making diffcult but necessary choices in his life... it was not until the past few years that I understood what love was really like. I know that I have been loved, and have loved many people... but it is one thing to feel these things and completely different understand them. I love my brother. Thick and thin... shitty times and top of the world days. he is there for me and right back at you... I am there for him. I am not sure you can truly know how to love someone until you have been challanged by the most difficult of times... it seems then that you understand the depth of loving people. It truly, and honestly gives me insight into loving people in the future. Is this what it feels like to have parents?? (that was an insensitive comment, I apologize. I will not delete it because it actually popped into my head.. and I feel this way. My mother- I love her but struggle to like her most days and my father passed away when I was nine because he put self destructive lifestyle before his family... not that one weekend a month qualified him as a father anyway).

To all: I will love you. No ifs ands or buts. It will take time. Bear with me.

So on to the highlight.. or one of the highlights of my weekend. I spent time this weekend with some friends that I don't see too often anymore.. we grew up in the same town and spent many of our younger days together. I had an excellent time with them. excellent. it reminds me that there is something completely great about knowing someone for such a long time.. and celebrating change and maturity. or lack there of. we played some pool, had some drinks, and I found myself once again admiring the company of one.. I am not sure how much detail I wil go into to... I want to be honest here but with that will come vunerability and I con't know if I have the energy right now. I am truly fond of both of the people that I spent went out with this weekend. One of them is going to teach in Prague and I hope that we will see each other often and keep in touch- he is hilarious and I have a great time each time his comapny is shared. the other, lives here in Des Moines and I would like him to call me right now. I think he is wonderful...and I have liked him for longer than he or I may ever know.. alright my phone is not ringing.... hmmm.

It is really strange because when leaving above said persons house on Saturday morning, I knew that I should get his phone number, because I would call him. But I gave him mine, almost so that I am not responsible.... euff, On the other hand.. I know how to get his number... so I might do that. If either of the above mention people read this... as you may have the opportunity to at some point... talk to me first.

Alright... more later- I just got a call and I am going to dinner with a friend that I have not spoken to in a few months... works both ways but perhaps I was a little selfish. more later.

I feel like Doogie Houser right now.

I do truly enjoy the energy of Friday afternoon. The anticipation of what the night may bring paired with the satisfaction of working your ass off for another week.... weekends did not carry much meaning until the last couple od months at which time I truly realized the beauty of a break in the week... nor an end or a beginning, just a break.

I will write bits about my brother for a short time... many of you know him. Most of you love him. He is a great man that has faught to get to where he is... and I think he has just won his latest victory. Without going into to too much detail... and for those of you who know about my world... details are not necessary.. so I'll spare the space. My brother has triumphed. Past demons and skeletons no longer have a place in his world as he is choosing honest work. Is he broke? yeah. Is he questioning why? yeah. BUT.. he is breaking a huge fucking cycle that leaves nothing but hurt, distrust... and dead fathers at nine. (my sit.) So I support him, applaud him, and thank all that he has a place to call his home. It gives me belief that if you suport someone,...and really love them. Not just love them when they are on top, but love them when they fuck up and when they don't make any sense and when they are self destructive and when they are selfish... they you can celebrate moments like these. And I am not a matryr... he's my brother and has supported me through so many things in my life thatthere is little to compare to it. He has done the same for me.. though we have had very different experiences and made different choices.... we are together through all of this in soul. So congratulations to my beautiful brother.

I'm going now- cheers.

No entry yesterday... sorry to disapoint the onlookers and hookers. I wasn't realy feeling in the sharing mood... allergies are insane and I've been cutting carbs and for some reason that translates into...BITCH. Also to note... Tuesdays will officially be RANT days as I feel the energy from that entry sent me into a sort of what is wrong with everything type mood... not a healthy place to be everyday... but a great 'get it off my chest' type thing. Back to the bitch day... I'm not sure if everyone feels this... its a little like PMS only without the bloating and cramps... so actually it is nothing like PMS... because that is pure, undeserving hell. Anyway- so the bitch day that I just had... it is one of those days where you realize that you are not so interested in talking to a majority of people, you "snap" answers back with cutting, and sometimes hurtful, wit... and then you realize that you have been an ass but feel little ability to actually make it right or re-phrase... then I walk away and question myself as to why I am such a fucking bitch today... is it because I couldn't sleep last night? is it because I am choosing a healthier lifestyle and its hard? is it because sometimes I want to be alone but there are always 10 people at my house? allergies? caffeine? sex (or lack there of)? Who knows... I am going to go with allergies beacuse the last option is just too depressing. So I am a bitch for a Wednsday... I have realized it. At 3:30 in the afternoon, I had realized it. So now what... though I have tried, I just can't shut it off... all attempts appear to be laced with sarcasm... as they are.. just can't help it today... bitch. Around 10pm I start to feel as though I have wasted energy being a twat... but then I realize that it was literally effortless... but I know that I do not enjoy being a bitch so why bother.. maybe I am on the crazy bus sitting next to moms. nah... would have been diagnosed by now. To be honest...I feel like shit after I think that my state of mind has dampered one's day... but I don't always feel like saying, "Look- I'm just a bitch today. deal." Alright 'nuff.

On a better note, I did have a great evening. Most of it was spent on the phone. I talked with a friend Reed (the one getting married in TX) and also with a friend Paul, who lives inthe UK. He tells me that he is coming to visit at Christmas... which would be great- we have a great time together... he makes me laugh when he is not being a liar.

and an email from my sweetest Mike. He will not be able to join me in TX, but he is coming to Chicago for Christmas so I will meet up with him then.. because I have to see him! It has been nearly two years.. can you believe that... ugh.

Halloween in Chicago? sounds like a plan to me.

back to work now. Time is fleeting and the meetings that I have this afternoon are still happening so I need to get my shit together... strategic plan... eufgh.

cheers to all my sweets.
c

this is completely random but evidently I needed to get it off... so here is a Tuesday RANT.
end of the work day and glad to be calling it. chris I received your email... I'll get to you at a later day... maybe when I tell all the world how I got shot at in Denver. yes... not fireworks, but gunshots. (little did I know at the time... how could I know... I had been drinking for hours... though meaningful conversations attempted to slap me with sobriety... never!)

Let's talk about meaningful..or less conversations. the type that only occur when one or more of the involved parties have been self medicating for quite some time... whether it be drink... or some other mind altering non-perscription type substance that may or may not be around. Seriously, I have been the guilty party... but then I realized a few weeks ago how unbelievably annoying it is. If you have something that you want to talk about- particularly if it involves me, then dish it when I have my wits about me... don't allow me to cyphon down the better part of Denvers supply and the start a conversation by telling me what a great listener I am... fuck- anyone who knows me knows that (with the exception of one New Years Eve...) I am an incredibly happy and mediating drunk... I will listen and support and be objective... because who wants confrontation when they're just trying to have a good time... not I. I want to enjoy the company of great friends and dance to a little old school mj. this rant is directed at two of the evenings that I spent in Denver where a person who at one time had captured my attention had felt that the only time he could really talk about how he felt is after he tied a few on... and knew that I had too. Ahh... another day. Good thing I had the terrible two with me to distract me from any real emotion... john and chris... insensitive bastards... and I love them for every minute of it.


So there is an opportunity to go to Waco Texas to a wedding... a wedding of a high school friend that was a great friend in junior high and high school but I have talked to him maybe twice since then (7 years ago). I adore his family, they always treated me better than I could expect... but do I know him now? I am just not sure if I should go.. I was hoping that Chris would either say fuck off and not want to go or get really jazzed about going to Texas... but he is on the fence. welcome, I've missed you. I really don't want to fly down by myself because I would probably end up drinking too much and making an ass of myself... ooh- there's a first.

Hey Mike, if you read this- fly to Waco in mid October and meet me at this wedding- then we can get crazy! I will call you tonight.

I have such great ideas sometimes... like the fact that I think Iwill not get a new car, rather a 4-wheeler how much fun is that? then I don't have obligations to take anyone anywhere and I can use it all year round. ah. problem solved.

I'm going home now to hang out with my dog, steve.

D-D-D-DEFENSE!
By no means was I intending to attack Luke by saying that his spark is fading... I just get concerned for friends that are bored... bored people go crazy super fast. You know when you have an absolutely great time with someone... like a summer for instance... and then summer is over and you are starting to feel the responsibility of winter.... but this great and wonderful person is still here, only you didn't expect him to be... and by no means are you feeling that you don't want him here... it is just that you don't want him to get used to seeing the boring side of things... you want him to remember the carefree days of summer fun... not the doldrums of fall.

So to my sweet Luke... you a truly an inspired soul... and I just want you to remember the great things about this place... not the mind numbing, IQ lowering routine that it has become.

Ziggy Marley, by the river. 'nuff said.

Ahh Monday, back at the office. things have gone well today as my mind is clear and my heart is in the right place. It just has to be for me to be productive.

Let's talk about friends, shall we? My sweetest friend Mike, who has been away for much too long... how much do I love him??? so much. it is when you meet people like Mike that you realize, in a city faces and names, there are people. I met Mike when I lived in sanFrancisco, and have been lucky enough to call him a friend ever since. any one who knows me knows my love for Mike... and also that he is the first person that I call after a few drinks. why you ask... was it because the first impression that I had of Mike was the button in his cubicle that said, " I wish you were a beer." Or was it his impeccable taste in music... a little of both maybe.. but the real thing is that Mike is one of the most giving men I have ever encountered... and I miss him so much. Our friendship flourishes because I met Mike in a serious transitions state of my life... when little was to be expected of me.... and in meeting great friends like this... few expectations follow. If I had met Mike while I was a full time student would he be disappointed when I wasn't in school.... if we had met when I sold shoes, would he be disappointed when there were no more feet to be fit? Nope... because what Mike knows and I believe loves about me is the fact that sometimes when we talk regardless of where I am or what I am doing... or if in my eyes I am successful or not- he knows, and I know- that we are true kindred spirits brought together in a city of a million faces. I think I will go to San Francisco and see him. Mike and I like to dance... and we don't care who is watching... and then we do other things and I pass out on the curb in Chicago.... but it still makes me laugh.... really laugh. right PAM?

I am very lucky to have such great people in my life... seriously great people. Perhaps it is because of the tumultuous beginnings to my life that allowed to be granted... or rather to pursue such great people.


Now I am going to talk about Cody.... who misses big bear and hates everything. "Do you seriously think that I hate everything?"... "yes" I reply. "Why?" "Well, maybe you don't HATE everything... except for fall and winter and your car and most days yourself... but maybe you are just one of the many with a glass that is half empty." (I seem to use metaphors when truth is too bold... isn't that why they were developed?) "my glass isn't half empty... it's mothafuckin' 3/4 empty" Well... that sure makes ones outlook a bit better doesn't it. The truth is... I don't think that Cody is a negative person...I just think that he is bored with his life right now... seriously bored- I don't think that boy has been challanged in years. He is one of the smartest and funniest people I know, and he cares alot about people... he just doesn't care much for himself these days. and if you were ever to meet Cody you would think... why not? He is a rather charming man. (and I am not being sarcastic this time) I love you Cody... and I will love you until my heart explodes or until you really love yourself (actually both)... inside and muthafuckin out. baby I'm fo real!

And Luke... you have returned... not even a day and you are already bored. When you will go I will miss you but I think that if you are going to have any fond memories of the States you need to get your ass out of Des Moines. your spark is fading sweet little pea and that should never happen.. I love ya!!

fin.

Ahh Sunday evening.. just went for a swim with Cody. We've been swimming about every other day in hopes of not loosing that quest for activity as the cold months approach. The water is 88 degrees... just another benefit of living where I do... my own personal indoor swimming pool... who said non-profits didn't have their perks.

Back to work tomorrow.. I feel much more confident as I have now had time to clear my mind and prepare for the work that is ahead... or shall I say opportunity... both I suppose. Nonetheless I am looking forward to the all around balance that comes from organization in work, home, life, heart, soul... (not listed in order of importance).

Friday night. So randomly Cody and I decide to throw together a last minute sort of have people over type thing and by last minute I mean sit around and watch movies all day and then decide at 6:30 to start cleaning and finish hanging paintings so that it looks like we have lived in this house for more than six days (even though we haven't) teehee. And then we realize that hey, maybe we should tell more than three people to come over... there is a certain balance between having a few people over (and having to entertain them directly) or having 6-10 people over when you can jump from conversation to conversation with the role of cruise director rather than jester. (very fine line) Calls were made, plans were changed and at the high traffic point, there were about 10 of us... it was chill, nice. But chill and nice isn't why Fridays exist, unless you are married and have three kids( no offense to my sister, but she hasn't been alone on a date with her husband in 7 months... and she's 7 months pregnant... hmmm.) Off to the Frat house we go. Cody, and Emily and I. Emily is a super rad friend that I have had the pleasure of knowing for three years. So we entertain Cody's preference to go to the Frathouse because there are some friends that he went to school with in town, including Tanner. Tanner is so super attractive in every possible sense of the word. I have spent more time with him in the past week and I think he is great. On to the fact that we did not arrive at the bar until 12:45... whoops kind of late.. little bit drunk already... that sociable drunk where you are curious about what peoples names are and sure that you can convince people that you used to lip sync and dance professionally... (this phase usually only lasts about an hour for me) Well, what do you know- only three cocktails in one hour.. there must be another option... well what do you know??? They have opened what I like to call the banana thong dance cage and the "professionals" call the "RED LIGHT" which is rather fitting because the minute I walked in all I could think was, stop it. Tiny little thirteen year old looking things with fluorescent thongs and articificial type accessories... sick. Oh, and for the less passive consumer, not to forget you can always watch the man on man porn showing on the television. Thank god, I was scared to death what would keep my eyes from wandering when I wasn't dancing... sick. Might I add that this is the only after hours bar currently in Des Moines.... that is for people over 15. I know that straight people aren't as much fun, I am one of them. But dammit, some of us do know the joys of dancing until 4:30 am.

Saturday was lazy.. we bought the box set of the Family Guy... hilarious... probably some of the funniest television I have seen...and random. It rained and I realized that I was bored and that maybe I should do more with my free time. So I called my mom, which usually exhausts me for hours.... but this time it didn't. It actually gave me a bit of insight that that we are both adults and maybe she is sorry and maybe I should forgive her and let it be... and then we can try to build from the ground up some type of mother daughter relationship as opposed to the co-dependent circus I have been experiencing for most of my 25 years. Not bitter- I am happy with the way my life is as I feel that is the first parts weren't the way they were...then I wouldn't be where I am... then again, I might be somewhere else, real nice, and that would be okay too. So I stayed in last night and chose to read... I haven't bought a good book lately so I decided to read one of my roommates... it was a series of short stories and it gave me some seriously fucked up dreams.

Enough for today.

Great to hear your voice...
Ahh... First blog. I have thought this a genius way to hear and be heard. I always enjoy the updates of my dearest friend Sam... Heeeey Baby! I got to hear his sweet voice for the first time since the move to New York and I was refreshed...and understanding the importance of expression in any form allows me to have confidence in putting things out here for all to read....? I am finishing up a much needed week of vacation... the topper was last night. We had a " day of caring" where coporate types come paint and clean up the site... and then at 3:30 we all get to stop caring and get back to our lives... they leave knowing that they have made a great impact and we leave wondering if we are crazy because we do this year round.... and what do non-profits do to wash down a day of hard work?.... a few drinks at Benchwarmers of course... my first trip to the local bar... and it was alright.. but there were kids there- weird.. I know that I am... you know- hitting mid-20s but I know a 13 year old in a fake mustache when I see one. Point of the story... I started drinking at 3:30 in the afternoon.. and thought it would be fun to make a night of it... next thing I know it is 10:15 and I am throwing up out of a friends car while my roommate stops to get smokes... 20 minutes later I am home, stripped down and passed out. I wake up at 6 this morning feeling like life makes sense again... and then realize that I am crazy... nothing makes sense at six in the morning.... nothing. So I sleep until 11:00... I am still in my pajamas... though I have done a bit of work while at the office... and now I will go- because I have to get myself a bit sorted because we are having people over tonight.