Change gonna come.

Sobriety is a strange thing. I don't mean in the traditional reference of drugs and alcohol, though that certainly applies, but I feel as my life so incredibly sober right now. Many exist in this state, a sort of consciousness that serves all of the senses well and acurate. But for me sobriety means that my personality reaches near somberbess. I love to entertain friends and family, it is what Iam most comfortable with, but right now I really feel like taking the back seat and chilling out a little and observing. Sometimes I feel like a show pony.. like I can't shake the expectation of myself to entertain and it bothers me. I miss my outrageous self.

My brother said last night that my current state is cautious and that it is really hard for people to process. He just explained that it is so different from my typical self that friends and family are having a hard time to understand where I am coming from.... translation: you are boring and no fun.

Give me a bit of time here. I am getting used to all of this and I can't feel alright about everything right now. when I come around we'll have great laughs, but I need a few feet of slack right now friends. Thank you.


Also, to my dearest Andrew. send good, supportive, loving vibes towards him. He needs it right now. and a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you Andrew. We love you!!


c

A night out with the boys... to be celebrated

Thursday night I participated in the age old tradition of meeting highchool friends at a bar. Only this evening wasn't filled with small talk at the Scoreboard, it was filled with great people and great conversation at local Mary's.

Tim, Jim, Ryan, Spencer, Matthew, and Shep all participated in the evening and I will have to say, it was delightful. I, thank you, drank only water, which was a first, though not as tough as it might seem, and the rest of the boys made their way through pitchers and shots until sentiments supassed inhibitions.

The great thing about these boys is that they have been REALLY great frineds since elementary school... so their bond is this unspoken sort of contentment. It is easy to watch and easy to absorb. I met all of them when I was a senior in high school, and they were freshman. Tim and I were the closest, but over the last few years, I have gotten to know Jim and Ryan really well and that has been superb. I like that when they are together there is this balance of story sharing maturity... about life and what is next, and then it can all come to a screeching halt when one of then remembers something the others did... like when Jim puked on Ryan's front door in high school.. (details not disclosed).

Matthew and SHep are long time friends and Shep is like the nicest guy you may ever meet. Every year, they host a man's camping trip together, and every year, it gets better. Shep has great stories to tell, and he is an even better listener. He is one of my brother's best friends, and loves to give hugs. I believe that Jim and Shep had a great talk this night, as I know that Ryan and Shep have already bonded. And he loves Chauncy.


Holidays.....

I had a wonderful Christmas. I thought it was going to be more difficult due to recent changes in my physical self but I learned what I should have known for years: It is just about the family. It is wonderful to spend time with family and be relaxed and preapare meals together. and presents are nice too.


I'm off now. I am going to drive to North East Iowa to spend the night with one of my very best friends in the whole entire world Travis Brownell. (we lived in San Francisco together... YEAH!)


Have a great week and a safe New Years!
c

Merry Jesus Birth Day!

That is right, despite all o fmy questions of the universe and religion... Istil refer to this season as the season of Christmas... it provides me with a magical little warm fuzzie and I like that. Do I respect that others do not celebrate the same? Why yes, of course, this is why I love that while I am talking to Alli on the phone I can sing the dradle song to her...I love that song. Also, my dearest friend Jenni Loucks recently sent me a beautiiful bouquet of Kwanza Holiday flowers... I think this- if anything would express my diverse celebration. Does the Verizon commercial creep anyone else out?

I have spent the last few days with my grandmother and aunt preparing all of the best homeade Christmas goodies. Monday my grandmother and I made Peanut Brittle, yesterday was buckeyes (peanut butter/chocolate like reese's), peanut clusters, and old school chex mix. Today, after taking grandma to the doctor, we will make Divinity. From what Iunderstand, this is an acquired taste, and I love it. If youhave ever had this from a local grocery store, please form no opinions.. my grandmothers divinity melts in your mouth and is, well, simply DIVINE! Due to my recent retrictions of diet, my family simply does not know how to react. My Aunt Nan (nancy) turns away from me every time she eats anyhting and then proceeds to tell me how bad it tastes. My grandmother asks a million questions like,"Couldn't you put regular food in your mouth, chew it up, and then spit it back out so you can at least taste it?" and my brother, never shy or too concerned, eats a large bacon cheeseburger pizza while sitting next to me on the couch. This is my spectrum.

I completed all of my shopping last weekend, in a fury, as I also started all of my shopping on Saturday. I love the hustle of the stores, and I love even more so that the season is about giving and life and simple, loving things and yet people will plow you over in a heart beat to catch your parking spot. This kind of hypocrasy tickles me pink.

This weekend willbe a great one. Friday, Sam comes home and we are going to hang out.. it willbe different as i am not allowed the usual 6-12 Coors lights that typically get the arty started. Instead, I will pull together my sober witicisms and have a gay ol Griifin time.
Saturday we are having Christmas with my mom, the first in years, so I am really loking forward to this. We are having dinner and exchanging gifts and it will be a nice evening.
Sunday morning we (brother and I) will go to Grandma Jackies (dad's mom) and have breakfast and open presents. Every year, 9am, no exceptions. This is the most regular tradition in all of my life. If you don't make it to Christmas morning, you should be dead, or have an excuse that would make one feel like a complete ass for questioning your excuse.. (my sister ususally falls into this category, 5 kids, airline tickets vs. drive 24hours alone, etc) It is a wonderful morning that always manages to remind me that i am still the baby of the family and it makes me feel young and curious and excited. I love it.
Noon we will go to my Uncle John's (mom's side) where we will do that exchange and have some sort of roast... there are always lots of laughs and well told stories. It is an afternoon to be appreciated.
the evening we travel back to Grandma's for time spent enjoying each other's company and fresh-baked pies. mmmmhmm.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful Christmas and a very Happy New year.

Friday I will get the other half of my staples out so it is a day to be looked forward to. 18 staples down, 19 to go.

Take care!
c

I'm recovering Bitches!

Hello wonderful friends!!! I am on the road to recovery, rocking 37 staples and becomning the next spokesperson for Direct TV.

Once again, It never ceases to amaze me the care and concern for the people that i care anout.. and that care about me. thank you all for your well- wishes and prayers. Your positive vibes took me through a complex surgery that went SO smoothly.

I have 37 staples from my sternum to my belly button. His name is Stan the Staple Snake.... we spend alot of time together, me and stan.

I am highly medicated on some sort of Oxycodone that makes me feel like recovery is overated, that i am fine... but doesn't make me see bunnies dancing on the walls.. so it is good. WHen it wears off... i thank modern medicine for its invention.


The day of my surgery went as planned.. I waited a long time to get in and then it all went so fast. I woke up in the post-op room mumbling," oh shit, fuck, oh shit. shit.." the nurses thought it was amuzing and my mom was a bit red in the face. I heard her say, she usually doesn't talk like this... no need to lie mom. At the time, it was really how i was feeling. I couldn't believe that it was over.... it was the strangest pain I have ever experienced, though not the worst. It felt like someone had pulled apart my ribs, rearranged everything, then slammed it all back in there... it was really uncomforatble. The days in the hospital passed slowly as I drifted in and out of reality... my mom and brother weren't there as much as I would have hoped, but I certainly didn't blame them. It was a shared room and I know it isn't much to sit next to someone while they sleep. The hospital staff were fantastic. Apparently I was the golden child because I did everything I was supposed to do and walked frequently.. as a matter of fact, any time that could be spent out of my room in the hallway, I preferred. I was lonely in my room, but also my roomate was nearly unbearable.. I say nearly because with the right amount of sedatives, I can tolerate just about anyone. she was a whiner and moaned constantly... then, just as she fell asleep, she would snore SO loud that there was NO hope for slumber. So I walked the halls and put together pictures of my new self... and that filled up my time nicely.

Just an update folks... thanks for everything, I will see most of you soon.

Alli- I will see you tomorrow.

All my loves and such,
c

We have arrived.

Today is the day. In one hour, my mother will be here and we will leave for the hospital. i will be in until Friday at the earliest. I am ready for this. This is what i want.

Thank you to my terrific friends for all of your support. You are truly the best people in the world.



Here's to a new life.


My best,

Claire