Sunday Soul Food

As a part of growing my social and cultural existance I have dedicated Sundays, not to Jesus, but to my true savior: Barnes and Noble, or Borders, whichever I feel like. My friend Kelli and I have decided that Sundays are for going to the book store to fill our minds and souls with books and tidbits that will make us smarter, more confident, successful women. Yeah- yesterday didn't work. I gather a few books- and because we were glued to the self-help section, which I am continually skeptical of, I decide to give it a chance and get a few books on topics that I feel I can improve on. One is how to attract the successful man of your dreams, one was about changing the "mold" of your life, and the other was something about being obsessed with diets... I didn't get to that one (my cupcake was in the way). So I spent most of my time giggling at this book that was written by three men, all professional, attractive and successful and essentially looking for Mrs. Right. They listed many pointers for women, and made it pretty clear what works and what doesn't. Here is what I learned:

* Chugging beer and doing shots is not attractive. damn.(this categorizes a "live wire" that translates into: embarassment!)
* Guys are super insecure and any time they act like assholes it is because they are insecure. awesome.
* Playing hard to get is too much of a challange, don't waste your time...
* Givin up the lovin on the first night equals NO relationship. (sweet- that is why things have worked so well for me in the past- give them a little suga and no wasted time on FEELINGS)
* Guys do not posess the verbal and emotional capacity to express/communicate/identify emotions and/or feelings. Obvisously these men writing the book were not gay, because I have a few friends that could give SUSAN LUCCI a run for her Emmy.
* Nobody likes a cock-blocker. (this was actually quite eloquently spelled out in the book, and referred to as a policewoman, but I put into laymen's terms for all of you)

So basically, I don't stand a chance. I can drink a case of Coors light in one sitting and like having sex with people I just met. However, the rest of the important stuff I passed with flying colors.


After the bookstore it was off to put our new found confidence to the test- we went to a local pub around 5:00 and had a few beers. A super creep sat next to me and immediately I was SO uncomfortable. Rather than torture you with the entire scenario, let me highlight a few of my top picks.

Things the 40 year old creep said to me: (these are listed in chronological order)

* I like your earrings, they're beautiful.
* You are so pretty.
* It's okay for you to look me in the eyes, do I make you nervous.
* Let me buy you a beer. (I obliged only so Kelli and I could get a free beer.)
* Would you like to dance? (no)
* If I buy you ten more beers, will you dance with me? (no...well.... NO)
* I am sorry if that was rude. (after he grabbed my hand and rubbed it....ewwww)
* You know I am hitting on you right?

So I get to the point where I have to be blatantly dishonest and tell him that I have a boyfriend and not interested in any of his advances. He leans past me to Kelli and says,
" Kelli, is it alright if I finish my beer and sit here and hit on Claire?" You can imagine how all of that went. We left and went to another bar where I was asked to play pool by Fernando (no joke) from Ecuador, and then later asked for my number, luckily, Kelli was super intoxicated and that was our cue to leave.

So- here it is. You would think that an evening such as this would flatter someone... but it was actually extrememly depressing. The only guys that hit on me in this damn city are drunk old men or foreign dudes. ugh. Perhaps I am reading the wrong books... or going to the wrong bars... hmmm. Or maybe I should stop wearing my t-shirt that says: I HEART CREEPS

Alright- here is your update for now- I know it has been near a month and my apologies- I have been getting myself back on track. Still going to the gym, still eating like a bird, all that dieting shite.

Take care all, I miss some of you.

C

Lip Service

As with all obligations and comittments to grooming, one sometimes has to sacrifice a bit of dignity to keep up appearences and/or not frighten young children. I woke up on Friday morning, looked in the mirror, and wondered with amazement where my three extra eyebrows had come from. Seriously, no longer eyebrows, welcome EYESBROW. I was shocked- how had i not noticed this, did I need the extra fur to protect me from the cold? Regardless of subconcious intentions, I decide that they need to go- NOW. I look at my day and realize that I am not sure I will have the time to pluck all of these little guys out.... I need a wax. stat! After heading to the gym, in true Claire fashion I agree to go to the local bar with my brother and Andrew for lunch and a few pre-celebration beers. I am looking pretty classy at this time as I went straight from the gym to the bar. (its really the only way to do it) Not to worry, this bar has very low standards so there was no way that anyone was offended by either the look or the smell of me post gym. I convinced the boys to help me track down a salon that would be open so I could get rid of these monsters shading my view... even my brother said,"Jesus Claire, what happened?" I know-
So we set off and after three closed salons I was a bit discouraged, and then the holy land, there it was- I don't even know the name, but I saw the neon light "Walk Ins Welcome" there may be a God after all. I step in, send the boys off, and declare that I have an eyebrow emergency. The girl says in her sweet angelic voice, "Come on back, Claire" Oh bless you. After I lean back,she says,"ohh." and I ring in" yeah, I've really let myself go here, if you could do your best to at least seperate them so they look like two different eyebrows, you would really make my day." Then she kept asking me if I was celebrating, having a good day, with an implied tone... and then I realized that as she is less than a foot away from my face, she probably smells the beer. So I say, you know, getting started a bit early, a few beers with lunch... What are you, a cop? She gets me all cleaned up and the dreaded words fall from her lips unto my newly shaped expressive eyes, "DID YOU WANT ME TO DO YOUR LIP?" ugh. This is code for, you have a mustache and should really take care of it. I have had this done once before, as I do not have dark hair om my lip, but the blonde ones do get a tad unruly at times. I guess it was the time. I reply," Yeah, I guess I shouldn't sport a mustache for New Years, but I am warning you, I have only had this done once before and cannot be held responsible for the words that come out of my mouth. As soon as you rip the wax from my lip, I will begin swearing, just so you know." She takes one for the team,"I can handle that." Really? She smears me lip with the warm wax and it feels nice for a minute and then counts... ONE.. TWO..... RIP... THREE.... that bitch tricked me. Me: Jesus Christ! Motherf**k, son of a bitch...ahhhhh! Her: You weren't kidding Me: I don't joke about hair removal. And we went through this once more upon the removal of the other half. I comforted her with the fact that I do not ususally use these phrases as a part of my regular dialogue but something scary happens in that second when the hair is ripped away, and damn, it turns me into a trucker. My family would be so proud.

Now- here is the never ending dilema. Do I wax for a smooth lip and its accompanying little bumps and random spots that follow? or do I opt for the manageable but a bit hairy lip. I have yet to find the balance. I will continue to maintain the eyes, that is an unspoken. I am a bit ashamed at how I let myself go. Even though my porcelin complexion is tainted with a zit the size of Texas from the "mosturizer" the use post wax. I think its Crisco, because it does nothing but clog 'em up.

loving my mustache,
c

A New Year, or just another day.

I am trying to figure out how to create links. Everyone else seems to do this so let's give a go. Look at this guy Jason's wesite. It is obscene, yet hilarious.

Yeah, I figured it out- Thanks Andrew!

To know more about my life, take a look at my friend Sam, where I work, and my dearest Cody.

I will now be queen of the links.

Happy New Years, more details on my drunken performance later... think towney bar, dancing, too many drinks.

Best to yas!
c