WARNING: This email is out of charater and not entertaining. It is a complete vent and I am working through it. I have let it out here, I am doing all right. I am picking up these peices.So some shit has happened, and as much as Iwould like to have a mature, rational explanation of the past weeks events, that cannot be possible here. I have kept my shit together for everyone for a week so it is here that I shall let it all loose. (my best to Tanner for listening to my daily unwinds and giving me great feedback.)
Here it is.
My job is intense and I am responsible for alot of people. Before I had this job, I had another job, the job of the Program Manager (or assistant director). For the past 18months, that position has been held by ___________. This person lived on-site and we became very close. Close as in really great friends. My trust struggled as I was lied to once on the friendship side of things and that doesn't set a very good base for friendship. I do not have a difficult time trusting people, and that, many many times, has left me a fraction of a person. USUALLY, I have pretty solid intuition. So we were great friends, i talked of her often in this blog.
About a month ago, the job intensity was getting to all of us and I did my best and kept my shit together. she did not. She exploded at me and told me that this job is too much for any person and she wasn't sure she could do it. Professionally, I can't get in too deep here. As a friend, I completely understood, as her boss, I knew that she knew her job description VERY clearly and had been given the chance to pull things together many many times. Also, this is the second season that she is preparing for, she knew what to expect, there weren't any surprises. Her job didn't change at all. Mine has. I have taken on an additional department that took me away from this office quite often, perhaps she didn't feel supported. she is very sensitive, but she is also an adult who need to pull her shit together and stop taken things so personally. So we get to the start of the summer and many things that were quite guarded and blury before they all of the sudden came to light. The basic job duties were not met and the program was not prepared to run. Staff were not here or hired. Damnit. WE had covered all of this a thousand times. fuck fuck fuck. What she didn't know is that I knew she was struggling and that her heart wasn't in it. If your heart is in it than it doesn't seem this hard, you know. She told me when she lost it a month ago that the only reason she was staying was because she would never leave my in a bind...( i guess she lied again... big fucking surprise) i told her that I wasn't here for her- she shouldn't be here for me. Plain and simple. I am here for the 1500 consumers that we serve over the course of the summer. they are the reason that I work 12-18 hour days and can't sleep at night and spend hours trying to figure out ways to build this staff back up and make things alright.
Last Wednesday night I had to have a honest talk with her.,.. I didn't want to- I wanted to step in and make everything alright... I knew I couldn't this time. I knew that if I did this again that I would loose respect from my peers, co-workers, and I am not up for this. This is my passion... it is not nor will it ever be just a job... that is why I can't sleep at night. It came from the top... there were too many complaints. I asked her into my office.... all I wanted to do was to talk and make a plan to get this shit taken care of. She did not say a word. Actually, after I was finished talking, she said four words. "Fine, Can I go?" But of course princess, I wouldn't want you to be acountable for a damn thing. Go home and cry about it. She walked in the next morning and resigned. sHe cleaned off her desk and walked out. I have never felt so far away from a person in my life. She has no respect for this program or its participants or the staff. What about the friendship? Perhaps I was a fool in crossing thoose lines... I will never make that mistake again. It sucks that this had to ruin my ability to be close with the people that I trust to run this place. It fucking sucks that she ruined that for me.
I know that people see me as the big bad wolf. sO be it. I find that people can talk unitl they are blue in the face about their dedication and then compromise the integrity of an entire program for the sake of a false sense of friendship... have you been reading? I just did. So I am down and out. After she left, many of us moved on and a few couldn't. Shit started to fly and I really tried to lay low. I hate drama. can't stand it. i have been SO angry- perhaps it is all the misunderstanding... perhaps is it because the people she shit on for the past two years now want to help her and they feel SSOOOOO sorry for poor her. fuck that. she fucked this program over. fucking beautiful. this experience has betrayed me, us, this camp. It has taken from me the pure innocence of friendship that develops when we see people at their best. You have taken my ability to trust.
So fuck you.
those of you that now me know that I am not an angry person- but I needed to get this out. and there it is. I will move on and be done with it.
Here is a little something to chew on:
" The ultimate measure is not where we stand in moments of comfort and convenience, but where we stand at times of challenge and controversy."
- MLK Jr.
I am doing my best.
-c
