To: Anonymous, Things I learned today.

• Commenting under "anonymous" is bullshit.
• Kelli is impatient when she is trying to talk to me and I am typing a blog. "working", rather.
• Keith, isn't from a galaxy that far away.
• Old people at the doctor will tell you anything about their health or someone they know. Topic of today? cataracts.
• Although I work in human services, I am facinated by people with the little voice box stimulator. the one that sends vibrations to previously removed voice box allowing for an ear shattering monotone voice. so intriguing.
• The old woman sitting next to me had no inside voice. after the woman with the voice box thing walked away she looks at me, shrugs, and shouts, "throat cancer, what are you going to do?" followed by,"husband died two weeks ago, poor thing." Tact.
• combination LoMein is delicious.
• my office is not appealing to the people the walk by, hence the immediate need for "office clean-up!" memos. passive aggressive. I replied that my scedule is booked, but I would help out others if they need it.
• I get to write job descriptions, and adding innappropriate job duties, though hilarious, is not well received by HR. I missed the "harrassment in the workplace" training that was evidently "valid".
• Sam will be home in just over a week and I am going to smush his face. I can't wait to see him.
• Tanner and I are going to see Sam in NYC in December. you will probably see part of our trip on CNN or MTV, or some low budget cable access.

That's it. A few things I learned today. Ciao!

c

Keith? From the Milky Way?

I've been drinking alot lately. I have really been enjoying myself and departing with my responsible ways. One may call it a bender, I'll just call it a social life. Friends are in town, people are too be seen, and let's face it- I don't really have to go to work this time of year. I've got vacation days to last me until November.

Aha... Let's start with last Wednesday when I decided to throw a good old fashioned house party. I have this new stereo that can shake my windows and so I like to blast anything from Van Morrison to the Beta Band to Beastie Boys to Madonna (Cody is still staying with me). the weather has been beautiful and for some reason this makes me want to have people over and challange them to drinking.
After a trip to the local market I drive home with about 120 bottles of beer in my car. I would have gotten a keg but with that comes the responsibility of finishing the keg and I just didn't want the pressure. ( I swear I am not a frat boy, just an entertainer who knows how to throw a good party). So the pretense is that everyone who attends must participate in any and every ridiculous activity.... nothing cheesy- just a flashback party where everyone gets to drink like they don't have responsibilities and someone (always) plays 'California Love'. Brad, Vicky and Kate (from England), Jim, Corey, Matthew, Ray, Cody, tanner, Nicole, Kelli, Luke and I got started around 8:30pm.... after a whirlwind of events, it is now 4:00am and Jim and I are dancing in the living room, cody is laughing in the kitchen, and a few people have disappeared to the woods for a little drunk love. You would think that as a hostess I wouldbe sensitive to these matters, but I am not. So as Kate and Luke are trying to sneak out the front door I yell, "Now that is hilarious, ha ha ha" It was. And now that everyone is sober... hmmm guess who is right. me. I know funny when I see it. I woke up the next afternoon (took a day off) feeling like someone may or may not have kicked me in both the stomach and the face. (still looking for suspects)

Thursday: A beautiful day in disguise. Shopping with Jim was perhaps one of the easiest days I have had in a long time. The sort of ease that comes from being completely comfortable around someone and they can make you laugh. especially at fake babies. Fake babies, though creepy, are very funny. they are now sold for $80 and come with a birth certificate. According to the "nurse" who was working at the store, people will never know it is not a reall baby because it is SO LIFE LIKE. this is the point of the sales pitch where I start to step away. Jim on the other hand, picks the baby up, holds it over his head and says "weeeeee" while lowering the baby in front of his face. He then rocks the baby, asks his age, weight and if the nurse has any children of her own... all with a collected coolness that would make one think that Jim is super creepy if you did not know that he is, just plain hilarious. After baby shopping we decided to go to 'Garden state' a film be Zach Braff. It is painfully beautiful. go and see it.


Saturday: Oktoberfest in Iowa. First of all, It's still september... but Germans are drunk so they will never know? What a great time. 20 different kinds of beer and the people who are serving are too drunk to remember to charge you $8 a mug. perfect. Kelli and Cody and I make our way through the OktoberFest crew and decide after three 20+ oz. beers that we are in fact, polka dancers. Actually, Kelli sat out, she isn't much of a dancer, she talked to the oldies in the crowd... something about being at a wedding on acid. Meanwhile Coday and I bust out a mean polka... to the best of our abilities and before we know it we are talking to Anti- Bush activists from Washington State... the guy I met is Walker and I called him "Walker, Washington Ranger" yeah- I thought I was funny at the time but I had also had a few drinks before we arrived at the Polka Fest... we were ridiculously intoxicated.... where every person is your friend and suddenly you are surrounded by 10 people you don't know but its alright. So we get kicked out because they are closing and we make our way to the little dirty Royal Mile where we meet up with this guy from Iowa City named Jason who I address as Trevor (it was funny to me and I thought he was Trevor) meanwhile we order drinks that could peel the paint off of your face and sit down for a chat. Meanwhile it is now 1:15am and Jim and ryan STILL have not met up with us. they are in trouble. My "understanding" was that we would meet them at OktoberFest at 10ish... hmmm. Good thing I don't even recognize the people I came with, otherwise I could be upset. After drinking a fourth of my drink the waitress comes over for another round of "let me be entertained" so we wow her with our impeccable wit. I ask for "a little splash of coke with this... this.... this POISON" (that is excatly how it was said) and proceded to dump this drink all down my leg. damn. Just because it was poison doesn't mean I won't drink it. Well, well, well... who is this, Jim and Ryan have joined us. With only minutes to spare before joining the "dead to me" ranks. We get another drink (why, why?) and decide that I can hide them in my jacket before exiting the bar. We drive (real smart) to drop Kelli off before going to my house to get some beer and as the only girl with three guys I decide that I will go to the Lumberyard. Yes, your classy and well mannered friend is going to see some tits. This does not excite me, I can look at my own. But it seems to be a highlight for the "gentlemen" that I am with. Long story short: Cody gets in a fight with a girl because she calls him a faggot. I tell him that if he can promise me I won't get arrested that I will ruin her face. And we leave at 4:00am. Cody says," I hope I see that Bitch in the parking lot, I'll kill her" and what do you know- she walks out in front of the car... I giggle and Cody rolls my window down to yell," You'd better watch yourself bitch!". Ahh, good times. Let me also add that as I was walking out of the bar I started singing "Bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks" to which all of the boys joined in. Who am I and where was this coming from?

We return home and have all out wrestle mania. It was great. when we were in high school Jim, Tim, and Ryan used to push me down on the trampoline and jump around me until I was sick. I'd like to say that hasn't changed a bit- but now there was puching, tickling, water sprayed... and the at 5:00am we decide that it would be a great idea to go to McDonalds. Cody drives (not a good idea) and we pull up only to be informed that they are now servingbreakfast. In response to our profanity, the little man says,"I will not tolerate that type of language." but then he does, because he still gives us a #fucking 7. We pull up to the window and the man says," I am not a he or a she, I am an it. I am not from your planet." Great, I'll play along. I ask" So where are you from?" "The Milky Way." he replies.
I continue,"what is your name?"
"Keith."
"Keith?"
"Yeah, Keith."
"they name "people" in the Milky Way Keith?"
"yes."

We get our food, he begins to shut the window and cody says, "I love you Keith." Keith, he just shakes his head and turns away.

And so concludes the bizarre night of Rum, Germans, Polka music, politics, spilling, tits, and Keith.

have a great one.

It is 6:30pm and I am still at work. I think we both know I am not really working. teehee.

Oops. I lost my phone.

For those of you that are in question as to why I have not called you.. here it is. I lost my phone in a whirlwind of events on Thursday night. To get in touch with me please call my old number, at which time you will receive a message (from me) stating my new number. Never fear, just a phone call away.

Allison. call me, and if you are the anonymous commentor... I'll get you. Just call me, please.

How does one loosea phone after two years of responsible posession? Let me fill in the blanks.

Thursday night I met up with Kristi to see 'Catalpa', the play that has made a few appearances in past blogs. It is an incredible play and Mike Cassidy is incredible. Many many many props to Spencer Griffin, the talented man behind the machine. Incredible show.

Kristi and I meet at the Royal Mile, a quaint, boderline dirty, English bar that has excellent imports. We have a beer and from the way the conversation in going I can tell we are going to have a wild night. Kristi and I hanging out is alot like Sam and I hanging out. We pretty much run the room and thoroughly enjoy ourselves the entire time. We had many great conversations over the course of the evening and none of that obligatory girl talk bullshit. That is what I love about Kristi. It is the same quality that all of my great girl friends have. Alli, I miss you. Kristi and I walk to the Vaudeville Mews to see the show and we talk to Spencer and he informs us that the Griffins will be there tonight... HOOORRAAYY!!! Lela and Steve, the foundation of the Griffin craze are coming to the show! Lela and Steve walk in with Grandma Griffin, I am sitting right behind Lela and she doesn't see me.... she catches up with some friends and says,"It's so great to be here with good friends." To which I reply,"SPEAKING OF GOOD FRIENDS!", Lela turned to me and shouted, "CLAIRE, you slut! How are you?" then I got hugs from the whole fam, met Grandma, and talked a little smack to the Griffins about their soon to be second loss to the unstoppable game team of Sam and Claire.

Post show Kristi and I run to the bathroom as there was no intermission and it was just pure undeserving hell to have to go that badly. Kristi is in the stall and I have the pleasure of being the sound board for the play reviews... everyones eyes dart around and we exchange, "Great show, wasn't it" looks... until this dirty hippie emerges from stall three and procedes to give a review as follows,"that play was so unbelievable. what he did with the sound was monumental." She emphasized her statements with what looked like an interpretive dance and I did my best to hold in my laughter. I know I am a cynic, and I think it is great that people enjoy things... but being an artist of some sorts, I think it is complete buillshit the way people classify performances... she was full of shit. she was trying to steal the show with what she thought to be a better understanding of the complexity of the event. It was an unbelievable show- for sure, but she was full of shit. Monumental.
After the play we traveled to the Hessen Haus where boots were had. Mike and Spencer's friend Will joined us and he seemed nice. Then we started talking about movies, which I don't mind... it gives one an accurate idea of what a person likes overall.... so we talk about High Fidelity, Steel Magnolias (yeah) and then a dark cloud of boy geek covered the table and we were on the topic of "Empire Strikes Back".. now I am pretty skilled at changing the topic (defense mechanism) and so I make some random comment about the sound effects and then stutter into music.... the weather, fashion, I don't know- I was at aloss. This guy was loving talking about the glory days of Star Wars. It was time to go.

We pack up and head to the Garden where we controlled the stage with our power ballads and renditions of all of your favorites. Out of the 20 songs performed I'll say we stole the show on at least 10. And when not singing, Kristi and I would dance in front of the stage giving our interpretive moves to such hits as "she Bop" by Cyndi Lauper. nothing stopping us. Again, I took my shoes off and I don't know what happened. I woke up the next morning with no phone, black feet and blisters (damn heels) and a french fry in bed with me. Such a classy gal I am.

All my best to yas.
c

Modest Midget.

I have been blogging for a year now. Offically, one year of my life has documentation. Accuracy filtered through what my mind will allow the reader to view. those of you who read sporatically (or often, as I write sporatically) check the archives and within a few minutes I am sure you will be able to know more about me than you thought you may want to know. Actually, the only thing I believe one can gain from regular reading is a theme of evolving self and reoccuring themes of quest for self improvement.... with little success. What one may find is an entertaining tale of observations from the mouth of a single girl adapting to the challenges of life in middle america.

With that said, let me update you on the occurances of this past weekend which proved to be my long awaited return to life after work. It is a beautiful experience each fall to remember the convenience of having a social life and within that enjoying the company of many great friends.

Thursday night I took my pal Luke to get a tatoo. He is here from South Africa and wanted to get an outline of Africa between his shoulder blades. Somehow I became an expert on tatoos, though I have none myself. We went to the place and wouldn't you know it, the tatoo artist knows me because we went to highschool together. We exchanged glances many a time before he siad, "I know you." to which I replied, "I thought so." then he played the drawn out game of " do you remeber my name?" followed by a rush of blank stares from yours truly. I sort of looked at him like maybe I knew him... and he did look familiar, but that was as far as it went. There was no sudden realization on my part of mutual friends or even time shared.... he seemed to be getting offended so at last I said... "you know- it's been eight years... and a few years of that I have little memory of so can you just tell me your name?" Then he got a spark in his eye... ahhh, by some strange coincidence he had brought his senior pictures in just a few days before.... yeah, now I remember him- he was two years older than me so I hadn't seen this guy in ten years and we had one art class together, that hardly consititutes a celebratory reunion. Nonetheless, we entertained each other with what has been happening in the past years and it was a nice conversation.

Friday night I planned to hang out with a friend Kristi who I also went to high school with and for those of you that have not had the pleaseure of meeting Kristi, she is incredible. Always fun, but with intelligence and humor to back it up. Cody and I met her downtown with hopes of tracking down friends Spencer (Sam's brother) and Mike Cassidy (Kristi's friend from U ofI) after a shameful call to Sam to acquire Spencer's number (again) (I LOVE YOU SAM!!)... at least it wasn't sam's Birthday.. we call the boys and direct them to the Hessen Haus where drinks are served in Liters and boots (2 ltr).
We commented on how much handshakes say about a person. I prefer the firm, right handed shake. I don't think gender should have anything to do with your handshake.... if someone lays their hand in mine and doesn't have a grip- I probably won't continue to talk to you- I think you are boring and sneaky. Not for me. However, on the flip side, if you attempt to break my knuckles and shake my hand profusely, well, you are probably overbearing and need too much attention. I am in the process of trying out different hand shakes with unsuspecting individuals to determine the vailidity of the above stated opinions. And girls- don't be a complete d-bag by offering a limp left hand- you are not royalty and everyone knows it- get over yourself.
Mid- evening while Kristi and Cody and I were talking Kristi said something to the fact of," I don't know, I just think I am too young to be saying its too late." At which time the entire table sort of went into a reflectve trance, each of us pulling to the front of our mind the opportunities that we may have missed... the only thing I could come up with is my missing my time to shine as the naive, drunk, boy crazy party girl on The Real World. I know that I could have made history with ratings and America would soon have adopted me into their homes and HEARTS. I thought about it and actually I believe that I lived all of these experiences without the cameras. My time in SanFrancisco was that of a real world trip. I was the drunk, party girl, experiemental, naive, the artsy one, the reponsible one, the irresponsible, slut, music fanatic, risk taker, bitch, activist.... you name it, I played that role. It was a time of self discovery... I think the great thing about self discovery is that if anything I discoverd that I didn't want to be any of these people I was portraying... I guess you have an idea of who you are and the natural thing to do every now and then is to freak out and try to prove yourself wrong. or maybe that's just me. So Friday night was a great time.

Saturday I drove to Newton to have lunch with my mom. She is doing great and we had a really nice time. She is still taking care of my great grandmother who is 101 years old. I realized on Saturday that despite everything, my mother is an absolute Saint. It started to make sense to me where I learned patience and the strength it takes to care for someone when at times, it compromises your own quality of life. My mother and I have a great realtionship these days as she often asks for my assistance in technical matters of providing direct care and I like to think that I am support for her in understanding that while she does not always enjoy her days with my grandmother that she wouldn't have it any other way. I repect her for that.

Saturday evening I had plans with Jim, which I was looking forward to a great deal because I had not seen him since last November due to his teaching gig in Prague. So we planned to meet at Racoon River Brewing which I wil have to say is a favorite of mine. Very neutral ground... I bring several different types of acquaintances and it seems to blend well. Cody joined us, as did a few of his friends. We played some pool, had some laughs, and a few drinks. It was so great to see Jim... you know when you are so glad to see someone and there is so much that you want to talk about and it often results in engaged looks and little dialogue? That is how it felt for most of the night.... it was fantastic. Jim had said that he needed to "take it easy" on Saturday night but when we decided to go dancing at 1:00am I knew that he would have to be joking.
So off to the frathouse where the drag queens scramble like you just moved the rock. We dance there and catch up with a few old friends that I have seen since my days as a frequent fruit fly. ( last year) We waited and went into the afterbar where we decided to play pool- I can say with all honesty that I probably shouldn't have been standing at this point but still wanted to play pool.... we played a few games and it was confirmed that the pool table was just for looks as no cash register had quarters... hmmm. and then randomly we had a challanger... a small man, though mighty in his pool game, approached us and stated that he wasn't really that good. So we play him and he beats both Jim and I... ooh- meanwhile this dude hits on Jim and he looks strangely familiar.. oh yeah- he was the nude male model in my life drawing calss at Iowa(remember Sam?)... he also took my friend Jamie home one night... what a creep- so I called him on it. and it was funny. just to me. So Cody leaves and then Jim and I decide to go. As we are outside walking to the car the short dude in the shiny shirt follows us out and procedes to tell us that he has just played the best pool he has ever played, and where were we going?... etc etc. (read: he wanted to go home with Jim and I and have sex with both of us) yawn. sorry shiny shirt guy... no dice.
the next moning I wake up and watch the most ridiculous movie I have ever seen... did Iwatch the whole thing? yes. it starred acclaimed actor Yahoo Serious... I thought it would be a prime opportunity to dumb Jim down a bit before his IQ test at 1:30. We'll see.

Tuesday the 14th proved to be a diamond in the rough. I was still feeling a but funked as the start of the week always seems to instill a hesitation of enthusiasm.... Kelli and I went to lunch and she convinces me that we should really go shopping instead of going back to work- we go... not for me- but for Kelli... she hates to shop and has, until a recent realization, been wearing oversized college t-shits and holy jeans.. no no no. I take her to a few places and pick out things that fit her. So cute. I think I should be a personal shopper. maybe I am in the wrong field. $600 later, we are on our way home and she has a new confidence that only material things can bring. (note sarcasm)
We decide that we will go out tonight even though tomorrow is the annual "Day of Caring" where coorporate types come out to camp and do manual labor to ensure good karma for another 364 days. We call Brad in Ames and he comes with Kate and Vicky (friends from the summer) and Cody and Tanner join us and we head to RR (racoon river) and play pool and have a great time.... hilarious. I truly think I am blessed with some of the funniest people as friends. Then we decide at midnight (only eight hours until caring) that we will go to the "Blazing Saddles" to dance. We are walking in Kelli bumps into a manly woman who says,"oooh, do it again!" Lesbians love Kelli. At some point (within the first 20 minutes) I decide that, I will, in fact, perform a one person dance routine to any and/or every song I see fit... there is competition on the dance floor with a short, shirtless man that seems to enjoy the company of the mirror but I am not phased. (We called him headache dancer because he often held his haead and looked to the ground while dancing.) As soon as Whitney Houston came through those speakers it was on... full blast Claire. I had the stage to myself and a nice sized audience... Cody joined me after a while and we danced like everyone was watching.... that is truly how one should always dance- like everyone is watching- it is so much more fun. (Please note that it was that time of nichgt where Kelli and I had both ditched our heels so you know that common sense was not one of the qualities any of us possesesd at this point.) Cody and I are very compatable dancers and this was this first real marathon we have had since before summer. It was fantastic. We left the bar at 1:30 (note: only 6.5 hours until caring begins)

Day of Caring: ugh. i did not feel like caring that day, but the 300 volunteers certainly did so certainly gave it my best.

Wednesday night a few of us went to Benchwarmers for the post caring beer where I stared at mine for a while because i still felt hungover from the evening before.... there was an element of entertainment expectations from my co-workers and I simply could not provide. I stared at my beer for the better part of two hours. Then Cody, my brother, Kelli and I decided to go downtown to have a few drinks and play some mo' pool... I was going for diet coke at this point because my liver was in bitch slap mode and I needed a break. We were home by nine and Cody and i rented a movie called 'Wonderland'. Interesting.... I fell asleep before it all unraveled so I cannot, at this time, give an accurate review.


alright, that brings me to present and I hope I have fulfilled all expectations of blog detail.


ahh.... modest midget. there is a new manager at the Casey's down the street and he has bright red hair and he is tiny. Kelli knows him from Ames and he is a bit of a stalker so I call him "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Midget" or "Amber Waves" because he has the longest red arm hair that i have ever seen and it is really wavy. He is nice enough, a little too inquisitive for my liking, but right on. There will be more on Modest Midge later.... I am hoping to filter him into regular blog entries... which should be no problem because he is in love with Kelli. yeah! (it makes her really uncomfortable because she tried to be his friend and he started stalking her and then when she was in Ames this summer she told him where she worked, at camp, and now he works right down the street.... coincidence or crouching midget???) you be the judge- more to come.


Have a wonderful day!
c

"claire, your hypocrisy knows no bounds."

Thanks Chris. Here is the story of a lovely evening of friends comfortable in the company of each other. And a very talented and fantastic band by the name of 'The Beautiful girls'. but they are not girls, they are men, very handsome men I might add, but if they were girls, the would be beautiful.... beautiful boys, from Australia... ahh the accent of a talented musician.... must I be smitten so easily? Well, good to say that it was not just me that had an extra sparkle in the eye for the band. My dear friend chris is at the bar (pre-show) chatting up the lead singer whil B.K. and I sit at the end of the bar commenting on their conversation and laughing, hysterically, at Chris telling the guy that "he writes a little too." the best part of the evening would have to be when they dedicated the best song to "our friend Chris"... clapping rang out from all corners, except for the one obnoxious laugh that escaped my lips. Hilarious.. and B.K. the entire time is talking about he gets jealous when Chris becomes so smitten with the band, and that he is confident that McCue(lead singer) and Chris were in fact, talking about him the entire time. Hilarious. Might I add that neither Chris or B.K. are gay... they are just good friends.... this behaviour was just entirely too funny. So it was me, cody, Kelli, Matthew (brother), B.k., and Chris... great times... after the band was finished I approached them so as to get a little piece of the Sydney delight.... and I was talking about how through three degrees of seperation, I knew the drummer... and the drummer said, "yeah, my sister emailed me and told me that youwould be at this show... good to meet you." at which time I became a hipocrite... because I was telling them what I do and how it is that I know the drummer... So Chris gave me shit about it the rest of the night and B.K. came from no where (he is a man of very few words) to let me know that I am a sell-out because I moved from Iowa City to Des Moines and I have a real job. Sell-out. Honestly... it was hilarious... this is probably the first actual conversation I have had with BK and already we are arguing. Beautiful. So I have Cody drive me home just after one because out ofno where my eyes are crossed and I was walking in such a perfect Z formation that I thought it was time to retire.

I get home, settle in, and after what seems like ten minutes BK and chris arrive, BK stands in the doorway of my room and tells me that my friend Katherine doesn't like him because he couldn't remember her name at which time I reminded him that her name was Kelli..... and that I should never forget that I am a sell out.


what a grea night. meanwhile Chris is on the front step with a bloody nose.



great times. this morning I felt a bit too rough. got to work, went to lunch with my boss where she offered to buy me a beer at which time I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

fin.

c